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Final Terror, The (1983)

... aka: Angst
... aka: Bump in the Night
... aka: Campsite Massacre
... aka: Carnivore
... aka: Creeper, The
... aka: Forest Primeval, The
... aka: Horror at Mill Creek
... aka: Three Blind Mice

Directed by:
Andrew Davis

One of many campground / backwoods slashers that went into production shortly after Friday the 13th proved its box office might in the summer of 1980, this one comes with some pretty big names attached to it. For starters, director Davis would go on to make big budget films like the critically-acclaimed The Fugitive (1993) starring Harrison Ford and a bunch of (not acclaimed but financially successful) Steven Seagal movies. And then we have co-writer Ronald Shusett, who'd previously scripted and helped produce the huge hit ALIEN (1979) and went on to write other horror and sci-fi favorites like Dead & Buried (1981) and Total Recall (1990). In addition, this boasts a cast of up-and-coming familiar faces, among them Joe Pantoliano (The Sopranos), Adrian Zmed (T.J. Hooker), Rachel Ward (The Thorn Birds) and Daryl Hannah (just a few years before Splash). All that combined may lead one to expect more than business as usual but that turns out not to be the case at all. This is strictly by-the-numbers, predictable filmmaking that offers up nothing at all memorable.



A man and his girlfriend wreck their motorcycle and then get butchered (one with a tin can lid booby tap) by an off-screen menace. Soon after, Mike (Mark Metcalf) leads a group of four “youth corps” trainee park rangers; Zorich (John Friedrich), Cerone (Zmed), Hines (Ernest Harden Jr.) and Boone (Lewis Smith), out into the same stretch of woods where the couple has gone missing. On their way, they pick up Mike's girlfriend Melanie (Cindy Harrell) and three of her female friends; Margaret (Ward), Windy (Hannah) and Vanessa (Akosia Busia). As they pull away, Windy's mother turns to her husband and asks “What about that missing couple?” to which he assuredly replies “They'll be OK. There's three adults.” Apparently these two have never seen a horror movie before. Pantoliano has a silly, overacted role as Eggar the mentally-imbalanced bully of a bus driver. With a near-constant scowl on his face, he's asked to grit his teeth, bug his eyes out and scream nearly all of his dialogue at the top of his lungs. For some reason he seems especially mad that the guys will be able to mingle, and potentially score, with some of the girls.








After a singalong of “Three Blind Mice” (at one point the shooting title because they had no clue what else to call this during production) and spending the day clearing wood out of a stream and smoking weed, the gang settle down for a little scary campfire story involving a local urban legend. Supposedly many years earlier when there was a logging camp nearby, a teen girl was raped by her own father, went crazy and gave birth to an incest baby that grew up to become a crazy adult who then sprung his mama out of the nuthouse. Both are now said to haunt the woods. The next day, Mike and Mel discover this legend may be true when someone decides to hack them up, leaving the “teens” to fend for themselves 30 long miles from civilization. They discover a shack where the killer stores body parts in jars and a dog's head in the cupboard and finally decorate themselves in mud and ferns and go all “primitive” by setting up booby traps, but the vast majority of the film is comprised of constantly-bickering characters walking around looking for people.








I was actually looking forward to revisiting a better print of this movie. All I had seen prior was the old Vestron VHS, which was so impenetrably dark you couldn't tell what was even going on half the time. Now that I finally can see everything, sadly, it did little to change my initial opinion. This simply has very little to offer outside of some admittedly nice forest scenery. There's no suspense, scares or real surprises, the plot's completely formulaic and the one-dimensional characters aren't the least bit likable. Add to that a low body count (which makes the “Can anyone survive?” tag line rather humorous... "Yeah, pretty much everybody!") and mostly off-screen kills (the opening pair of murders were added by someone else later on to up the body count for the slasher market) and the movie serves almost no purpose whatsoever. It also wasn't a wise choice for Davis, who also shot the film under the name “Andreas Davidescu” to use “available light” since most of this takes place in a heavily shaded forest. The combination of being bland and looking gloomy makes this difficult to really enjoy on any front.








Shot in 1981, this was held back for release for several years until a few of the cast members started to make names for themselves in other projects. It's “presented” by executive producer Samuel Z. Arkoff, whose daughter also plays a small role. The TV print contains an additional scene at the beginning with the first two victims at the beach not in the video or DVD prints. According to a disclaimer at the beginning of the Shout! Factory DVD, the negatives and all original film elements are lost, so this is the best they could do with what they had to work with. I really don't know the technicalities of film restoration and won't pretend otherwise but visually their release is perfectly watchable. Whether or not you should even bother is another story entirely.

1/2

Children, The (1980)

... aka: Abrazo mortal (Mortal Hugs)
... aka: Children of Ravensback, The
... aka: De si gentils petits... monstres! (So Sweet, Little.... Monsters!)
... aka: Toxicke deti (Toxic Children)

Directed by:
Max Kalmanowicz

The killer kid movie has been a genre staple for quite some time now. The ball first got rolling back in 1956 with the classic The Bad Seed. Based on Maxwell Anderson's successful stage play, the film focuses on blonde-haired, blue-eyed 8-year-old Rhoda Penmark, a cute and spunky pig-tailed moppet who also happens to be a cold-blooded, calculating little murderess. Because the original film allowed Rhoda to get away with her crimes (and resulted in the death of her mother), censors demanded the end be changed to punish the little psycho via divine intervention (a random lightning strike). The next notable film in this category was Village of the Damned (1960), with its legion of creepy, emotionless, blonde-haired alien kids causing havoc in a small British village being a popular enough concept to result in the sequel Children of the Damned three years later. The brilliant Henry James adaptation The Innocents (1961) focused on a repressed governess (Deborah Kerr) who believes the two young children in her care are possessed by spirits. LORD OF THE FLIES (1963) depicted the level of savagery a group of young boys could be reduced to when stranded on an island and left to their own devises. Numerous other popular films in the 60s carried on the killer / evil kid theme, most notably the stylish ghost tale Kill Baby Kill (1966), Mia Farrow's creepy pregnancy in ROSEMARY'S BABY (1968) and the trowel-wielding zombie girl in NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD (1968), but the real explosion of these kind of movies happened the following decade.

Though there were numerous other examples prior to its release, it was The Exorcist (1973) and its famous depiction of cherubic little Linda Blair being possessed by a foul-mouthed demon that launched a whole spate of similar films hoping to shock audiences with "innocent" children doing all kinds of horrible things. Excluding the numerous Exorcist copies primarily produced in Europe over the next few years, Larry Cohen gave us IT'S ALIVE (1974), which involves a mutant infant that begins its killing spree right out of the womb. That same year, the one-of-a-kind DEVIL TIMES FIVE (1974) mixed drive-in exploitation with the killer kid theme to surprisingly good results. Soon after there was ALICE, SWEET ALICE (1976), which laid suspicion on a series of brutal murders on a young, disturbed Catholic schoolgirl, WHO CAN KILL A CHILD? (1976), which featured a whole island full of killer children, and The Omen (1976), a huge hit that centered around the 5-year-old Antichrist and was followed by a whole bunch of sequels (plus an awful remake). Other 70s releases featuring killer kiddies of note included the TV movies ALL THE KIND STRANGERS and Bad Ronald (both 1974), THE LITTLE GIRL WHO LIVES DOWN THE LANE (1976), Audrey Rose, CATHY'S CURSE, THE CHILD (all 1977), Halloween (1978), The Brood, Salem's Lot and THE VISITOR (all 1979).



Things didn't slow down one bit in the 80s with The Godsend (1980), The Appointment, Bloody Birthday, Kiss Daddy Goodbye, NightmareThe Pit (all 1981), Don't Go to Sleep, Trick or Treats (both 1982), Children of the Corn (1984) and numerous others. All the 90s and 2000s have proven is that they are never going to stop making these things. It's gotten to the point now where it's hard to even watch a horror film (especially ones dealing with ghosts or the supernatural) without it including some glum, precocious little pasty-faced "creepy" child. The Children pretty much mixes up what went down in Village of the Damned with a dash of Night of the Living Dead's killer zombie child, but this low-budget offering at least offers up an amusing twist to the standard formula.


Worried about not getting paid for overtime, a couple of construction workers leave their job investigating pressure drops at a nuclear generating facility a bit prematurely. There's a leak, a cloud of toxic smoke forms and then is blown off by the wind to the small town of Ravensback. A school bus with five children on board end up driving right through the cloud. Soon after, Sheriff Billy Hart (Gil Rogers) stumbles upon the bus abandoned by an old cemetery with the motor still running but neither the driver nor any of the children are anywhere to be found. He then goes to ask the parents (most of whom seem curiously unconcerned) if any of their young'uns have made it home. With a resounding no from pretty much everyone (one even suggests the driver “took them on an impromptu picnic or something” and finds the prospect of her daughter being kidnapped “exciting”), Sheriff Hart has his dimwitted young Deputy Harry Timmons (Tracy Griswold), who seems mostly interested in getting in his girlfriend Suzie's (Joy Glaccum) pants, put up a roadblock so no car can enter or leave until the mystery is solved. But never fear, the kids finally do show up... except they aren't quite the same when they do.








Because of the poison gas, the kiddies have been transformed into pale, bloodless zombie kids with black fingernails who have the amazing special power to cause anyone they touch to start smoking and essentially burn to death. The epidemic of children lurking around with outstretched arms and smiles on their faces giving deadly hugs soon starts claiming the lives of nearly everyone in town. Seemingly the only parent in the area who even gives a damn, John Freemont (Martin Shakar), teams up with the Sheriff to find out what's going on when his daughter Jenny (Clara Evans) doesn't come home. The two learn this isn't just an isolated incident in their small town but is happening all over the Tri State area. The kids eventually trap both men, plus John's very pregnant wife Cathy (Gale Garnett), who gets so stressed out, she takes a drag off a cigarette, pats her stomach and apologizes to he unborn baby (!) and their little (unaffected) boy, inside.








A very dumb but pretty memorable low-budget film, this has lots of unintentionally funny / corny dialogue that makes the otherwise OK cast look bad and drags in the middle with a bunch of repetitive and off-screen kills, but the premise remains a lot of fun and there are both laughs and a few mildly creepy bits. Most hilarious of all (well, if you have a certain sense of humor) are scenes with the surviving adults shooting the little monsters with a shotgun from the window and the big finale where our heroes run around armed with an axe and sword dismembering the combustible kiddies (the only way to kill them) right and left! They even throw in an amusing, albeit predictable, little twist at the very end.








The cast includes Shannon Bolin as a general store owner and Rita Montone (Maniac) as an airhead mother who goes topless. The music is from Friday the 13th composer Harry Manfredini, who I'm beginning to suspect only actually composed one score during his entire career because all of them sound exactly the same. Co-writer / producer Carlton J. Albright (whose children Sarah and Nathaniel get to play two of the nuclear tykes) and co-writer / associate producer Edward Terry (who also plays a small role as a redneck) later teamed up for Luther the Geek (1990). Both it and this one were released by Troma, whose full-screen “remastered” 25th Anniversary release is pretty much a joke but does contain some good extras like a commentary track from Albright. The extras reveal that this film was also, amazingly enough, the basis for an off-Broadway musical!

★★

Zhuo gui he jia huan (1990)

... aka: Spooky Family

Directed by:
Yuet-Sang Chin

Set in small Chinese village at the turn-of-the-century when things like photographs and electricity were new, this opens with a family getting their picture taken while a recurring Asian twist on the famous Addams Family theme song plays. Father Hung Ping (Kent Cheng) is a luckless ghost / vampire buster and budding scientist who has several vampires, including a virginal former Army general (a prized possession!) in his collection that he keeps sleeping with spell paper. Down in his lab he's created something called a “Human and Corpse Linking Machine;” a hand-cranked contraption that he hopes will give him greater power over the vampires by syncing human brains with the undead, thus allowing them to be telepathically controlled. Using his bumbling, dim-bulb grown son Ming (Laap-Gei Cheung) as a guinea pig, he proves the device works... yet still needs a bit of fine tuning to perfect. However, there's a lot of stress in the family because ghoul busting has been slow recently and the area hasn't had an incident in over a year. Because of that, Hung's abrasive wife (Pauline Wong) is forced to support the entire family as a fortune teller, a skill their daughter Fa (Elvina Kong) also proves adept at.







Finally, someone comes to Hung Ping's home with a job for him. A blue-faced “copper vampire” has been causing problems in Western China and he's hired to stop it. Little does he know, but he's being set up by some evil magicians who want revenge on him. If the vampire is captured and our hero puts it in his collection, it will bring him and his entire family bad luck. If her isn't able to capture it, his reputation will be ruined. Kind of a Catch 22 situation. To make the vampire even more powerful, the wizards cast black magic spells and pour both poison and blood down its throat. In fact, they end up making it so powerful, the revived vamp just goes ahead and kills all three of them right then and there. Hung Ping and Ming finally show up to do battle and get into a long and intricate fight with the near-unstoppable creature, which involves a sword, mirrors, spell paper, bow-and-arrow, fire, a magic coin and a really long stick. They're finally able to subdue it by using one of its weaknesses against it: coffin nails dipped in 50-year-old “cock blood.” That's chicken blood, you pervs.






With it finally under control, they take the vampire back home, where Hung Ping decides to master using his new machine before taking on the more powerful vamp. Because his son is too immature and klutzy, he has their loyal, somewhat goofy “ghost servant” (Peter Chan), who's set to be reborn into a human body soon for all of his good service, help him out. A mishap ends up allowing the weaker vampire to actually control him instead of vice versa and do things like reaching for one of his wife's clients' (Sandra Ng) breasts and threatening to beat and rape her. The insanely jealous wife doesn't trust her husband one bit and especially hates his “Colleague Sister” (Nina Li), whose image shows up from time to time in liquids to talk to him and warn him of potential dangers.






Since rumor has quickly spread about Hung Ping's latest acquisition, his rival, Top Wizard (Billy Lau), shows up and duels him for possession of the prized copper vampire. Not quite realizing what he's getting himself into, Top Wizard then destroys all of the barriers keeping the super-powerful vampire in check and gets himself killed. Replenished by his latest victim's blood, the near-unstoppable bloodsucker then decides to raise an army of ghosts and attack Hung Ping's home. Can he and his family stop them? And can the wife put her hatred of Colleague Sister aside for them to effectively work together? No, not really, but the comedic rivalry between the two ladies ends up becoming the highlight of the entire film.







This typical HK mix of slapstick comedy, magic, action and horror spends a good hour concentrating on childish gags and slapstick set pieces (including a bit where a randy poltergeist makes the dad dry hump a pole in front of his kids); only some of which are funny. The episodic nature of the first hour makes this feel shapeless and aimless but, thankfully, by the time everything does fall into place we're treated to a very long (20+ minutes), action-packed and frequently hilarious extended fight sequence full of great stunts and clever moments. It comes as no surprise then that the director is best known as a stuntman and action coordinator himself. This also offers up some fine comedic acting, particularly in the case of Wong, who's very funny as the wife.



Because this did well in theaters, Ghost Legend (1990), yet another ghost comedy starring Cheng, was released as a sequel under the title Zhuo gui he jia huan II ma yi chuan qi. The VCD release from China Star has burnt-in English subtitles.

★★1/2

Xiao hun yu (1979)

... aka: Return of the Dead
... aka: Siu wan yuk

Directed by:
Han Hsiang Li

When one thinks of horror anthologies certain ones immediately spring to mind like, say, Creepshow (1982). Three pioneering films in this subgenre were Richard Oswald's Eerie Tales (1919), Fritz Lang's Destiny (1921) and Leo Birinsky and Paul Leni's Waxworks (1924), all from Germany and all utilizing the familiar format of telling multiple stories and tying them all together with some kind of framing device. Though there were other early precursors to this format, like Julien Duvivier's Flesh and Fantasy (1943), the most famous early example of the horror omnibus as we know it today is the British production Dead of Night (1945), which is best known for its creepy ventriloquist's dummy segment starring Michael Redgrave. Several other portmanteaus would pop up sporadically through the 40s and 50s, like Three Cases of Murder (1955) starring Orson Welles, but this type of film wouldn't gain real traction until the early 60s when there was an outright explosion of them. Roger Corman's hit Tales of Terror (1962), featuring Vincent Price in three Poe tales, led the way and in the next few years we also got Mario Bava's Black Sabbath (1963), Robert Enrico's In the Midst of Life (1963; featuring three Ambrose Bierce adaptations including the standout Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge), Sidney Salkow's Twice-Told Tales (1963), Masaki Kobayashi's Oscar-nominated Kwaidan (1964), Ramón Obón's 100 Cries of Terror (1965), José Mojica Marins'Strange World of Coffin Joe (1968), Federico Fellini, Louis Malle and Roger Vadim's Spirits of the Dead (1968) and many, many more.

Freddie Francis' all-star-cast DR. TERROR'S HOUSE OF HORRORS (1965) began a tradition at Amicus of specializing in this particular type of film, leading to numerous anthology releases from the studio into the next decade, including their most famous film: Tales from the Crypt (1972). The 70s saw many more, from the American made-for-TV movie Trilogy of Terror (1975) to the British / Canadian co-production The Uncanny (1977). Seldom making lists of horror anthologies are numerous efforts from Asia, like the rare Blood Reincarnation (1974), Fearful Interlude (1975) and this one, a three-part film from Shaw Brothers that's slightly better than some of the more famous titles in this category. The linking segment used here is similar to the one used in Amicus'Asylum (1972), where the stars have all been committed to a mental hospital because of the horrors they experienced in their respective tales. They also wonder if the head nurse (Linda Chu) is actually a ghost or not, something that is never really answered.






In our first tale, we meet the Wang family. Zhi-he (Feng Ku) is well-known for his preserved bean curd and runs the entire business out of his shop with help from his loyal wife Fang (Lai Wang) and their workers. Their grown son Xiao Bao (Luk-Wah Lau) is a nice young man who doesn't smoke, drink or gamble and works the forklift at a factory. All they really want for him is to marry a nice girl and settle down. Their simple and happy lives are all about to change though upon the arrival of family friend Mr. Hu (Chih-Ching Yang). Back from an extended trip he just took to India, Mr. Wu has some fantastic stories to tell about the people and culture. Most interesting of these tales is how he was “cursed” after being given a necklace with three monkeys on it and told that the necklace can make three wishes come true. The stipulation is that one shouldn't ask for more than they deserve or else the wishes will backfire and bad fortune will come their way. Mr. Hu used his first wish to get an 18-year-old mistress but when his wife raised hell about it, he used his second wish for peace and quiet. As a result, the mistress ran off with her cousin and the wife ended up in a nuthouse. Having learned his lesson, Mr. Hu used his third wish to come back to Hong Kong to be done with it.






The only way to get rid of the curse is to pass it along to others, so Mr. Hu hands the necklace over to the Wang's with instructions of how to use it plus warnings not to go overboard with it. All you have to do is place the necklace around your neck, kneel down, put your hands together and say your wish out loud and then you get what you want. Since the government is about to tear down their bean processing shop to build a highway, Zhi-he is thinking about making his wish for 20,000 dollars to be able to open a new shop. He half-jokingly goes through with the ceremony, along with his wife and son and then everyone goes to bed. The next day, Mr. and Mrs. Wang receive some terrible news. Their son, who appeared out of his mind all day at work, has been killed after falling into a vat of sulfuric acid and being burned beyond recognition. The insurance payout plus extra chipped in from co-workers totals 20,000 dollars.






What are a couple of grieving parents in possession of a powerful necklace capable of granting wishes to do? Of course, use their second wish to bring the son back to life. After Fang demands her husband go through the ceremony once more, a bad rainstorm begins and she's soon hearing a voice calling “Mom!” from out there somewhere... This is clearly an uncredited adaptation of W.W. Jacobs' classic short story The Monkey's Paw (with a necklace instead of the paw), which has been filmed dozens of times before and since, perhaps most notably as Bob Clark's Deathdream (1972). This version is well-acted, well-done and one of the better attempts at the story I've seen.

Story #2 begins as police, doctors and a crowd of onlookers rush to the shores of Blue Lake, where two motionless bodies lay. One of the men, Lin Kun-Quan (Wei Szu), has bruises around his neck from being strangled to death. The other, Jiang Tao (Hua Yueh), suddenly awakens, spits out water, screams, falls into a coma and is promptly taken to a hospital. An eyewitness steps forward, claiming he saw the two men hanging around the docks late at night and both were drunk. Police then begin their investigation while several flashbacks tell what happened to lead up to this point. We learn that two years prior to his death, Kun-Quan was a swimming champion and being forced into an arranged marriage by his parents, who are more interested in money than their own son's happiness. Kun-Quan is actually in love / lust with beautiful hooker Wei Meng (Wei-Ying Chen) and, sensing they'll be separated, the two go to Blue Lake and attempt suicide by leaping from a high rock into the water. He survives but she doesn't.





Two days after falling into the coma, Tao wakes with his own story to tell. He likes to drink and when he does he likes to go to Blue Lake to row around in a boat and be by himself. One night, a nude girl swims up to his boat. The two talk for a bit but get into an argument and she leaps back into the water and swims off, leaving behind a gold bracelet. The following night, Tao goes back and the two meet up again. When he mentions his friend Kun-Quan and how he attempted to commit suicide there, the young woman wonders if he has a guilty conscience about what happened and theorizes he may have tricked the girl into killing herself to be rid of her. Wanting to hear his side of the story, Tao gets back in touch his old friend, takes him out to dinner, gets him drunk and then lures him back to Blue Lake. This is an OK, albeit predictable, revenge-from-beyond-the-grave tale that will likely be of most interest for the near-constant full frontal nudity from the attractive leading lady.




Our third and final story centers around patient Da-zhi (Gwan-Tak Tai). Wealthy actress Yun-yu Xiao (Linda Chu again), who's nicknamed “Enchanting Yu” by her adoring public and rumored to be a sexually insatiable woman, passes away. The middle-aged but still beautiful Yun-yu managed to snag herself a much-younger husband in Kao Tai-Zhang (Wong Chun), who cares so much about his late wife that he's making plans to visit a whorehouse during her funeral. Local gossip has it that Yun-yu died in the middle of a sex marathon after the new hubby took some Spanish fly tablets and also that she will be buried with gold, silver and her prized pearl necklace. While out late trying to make some extra money, rickshaw driver Da-zhi picks up a woman who looks identical to the dead actress. She claims to be her twin sister and wants to visit her deceased sibling's grave. Da-zhi takes her out there and, in lieu of payment because she doesn't have money on her, she hands over a pearl necklace to hold for collateral until she can pay him back.






Upon returning home, Da-zhi's hooker girlfriend (Wai-Ling Lau), who makes extra money screwing (more like trying to screw) an elderly professor, suggests they sell the necklace to finally get out of the slums. Da-zhi goes to pawn shops and jewelers in the area, but can't get the price he wants, so he holds onto it. Good thing because he has a second run-in with Yun-yu's “sister” to give her back her prized pearls. In exchange, she'll help him win big at her father's casino. Da-zhi sells his rickshaw for gambling money, the two go and Da-zhi wins a small fortune. Meanwhile, grave-robber Da-Yan (Shen Chan) decides to break into Yun-yu's underground tomb. He cracks open the casket, takes the necklace and decides that he “might as well have some fun” while he's down there and starts getting frisky with the corpse. This results in disastrous consequences not only for him but also poor Da-zhi.






Each of the three stories are entertaining, well-filmed and fairly fun, though light on scares, suspense and violence. Actually, there's not a single drop of blood shown being spilled in this one, which is in stark contrast to the crazy Shaw Brothers horrors to come in the following decade. What does get amped up is the nudity and sex, which is made all the more evident in that the DVD packaging from Celestial tries to sell this more as a skin flick than a horror movie. There are six different nude scenes in here and two soft-core sex scenes, which are rather tame even for the time. Since all of these feature the beautiful Wai-Ying Chan or the equally lovely Linda Chu, I doubt there will be many complaints as these two show off what they got. Like many other anthologies (and the EC Comics that inspired many of these), the tales each have their own strong moral component about greed and stepping on others to get what you want.

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The director had a long career lasting from the 50s until the 90s and made over 20 movies for Shaw Brothers, including THE ENCHANTING SHADOW (1960) and The Ghost Story (1979). Three of his films were nominated for the Palme d'Or at the Cannes Film Festival (1962's The Magnificent Concubine won a technical award there) and three of his films represented Hong Kong for a Best Foreign Language Film Oscar bid (none made the cut). He was also nominated for four Hong Kong Film Awards and won awards at the Asian Film Festival and the Golden Horse Film Festival, who gave him a posthumous Lifetime Achievement Award in 1997.

★★1/2

Final Curtain (1957)

... aka: Portraits of Terror: Final Curtain

Directed by:
Edward D. Wood Jr.

Ed Wood fans are beyond help! Insulted? Don't be. I like you guys. Obsessive people, particularly those obsessed with film-related things, are my kinda people. I just don't have the attention span to focus everything on just one person. Die hard Wood fans just have to see / read everything this man ever touched and are on a constant search to unearth more and more. They rejoice at every new Wood-related film, failed TV pilot, transvestite porno paperback, behind-the-scenes photo, trivia tidbit or whatever else surfaces and do cartwheels over something as minor as finding a short reel of silent outtakes from an EW production. Because of his cult popularity, even the most useless, throwaway junk this man did is cause for celebration. If he aimed a camera at a white wall and filmed it for five seconds, then his fans really want to see that and find some kind of deeper meaning behind it. Understandably never given any kind of recognition in Hollywood, Wood's life story (WWII Army vet! Cross-dresser-with-Angora-fetish! Friend of the equally-tragic Bela Lugosi! Failed filmmaker!) is equal parts funny, sad, fascinating and inspiring. Despite trying and failing for years to get noticed and eventually succumbing to depression, sleaze and alcoholism in the process, Wood never really gave up on his quest for fame and died a penniless drunk in 1978 as a result. The Cult of Ed Wood wouldn't begin developing, however, until two years after his death and took decades to reach its peak.

Harry and Michael Medved's book The Golden Turkey Awards, which named Wood's magnum opus Plan Nine from Outer Space (1957) the “Worst Film of All Time” and Wood himself as the “Worst Director of All Time,” got the ball rolling in 1980. Once the video revolution began, many of Wood's forgotten and barely-released films became more widely available to audiences, with clips from his films showing up on specialty tapes like Sleazemania and Horrible Horror. Genre magazines and even some mainstream publications began re-discovering his work, too. In 1992, Rudolph Grey's Wood bio Nightmare in Ecstasy was released and generated even more interest in the colorful director. The biggest Wood booster of all came two years later with Tim Burton's biopic / last great movie Ed Wood (1994), which was based in part on Grey's book and painted the director in a plucky, likable, misunderstood and entirely sympathetic light. The film, which won an Oscar for co-star Martin Landau (playing Lugosi), remains the biggest endorsement for the Cult of Wood to date. Most people who see it immediately seek out one of the director's other films to see if they're really that bad. A few even get hooked on the weirdness.


I sincerely don't believe that Wood is the worst director of all time. Bad? Sure. Inept? Most of the time, yeah. One of the worst? Probably. THE worst director ever? No. His movies usually have cheap character to them, plus trademark elements that really individualize them and make them instantly identifiable. Much like the work of the oft-maligned Andy Milligan, most of his work at least feels genuine, sincere and somewhat personal. Both men really couldn't help but to weave their own preoccupations and obsessions into whatever it was they made and that's more interesting than the technically more competent but consistently generic, anonymous and utterly forgettable work of dozens of other directors I could name.




Final Curtain is one Ed Wood's short subjects that popped up long after everyone had already seen all of the director's other major work and were still clamoring for more. TV work was nothing new for the director as he'd already made commercials starting in the late 40, as well as “story-ad” films, 5 minute segments of the ridiculous Criswell Predicts (1953-61) and the failed western pilot Crossroad Avenger: The Adventures of the Tucson Kid (1953). Curtain was made to be the premiere episode of a horror / suspense anthology series titled Portraits in Terror that was never picked up. It was discovered by actor Paul Marco's great nephew, who purchased it from a collector, had the print restored and then had it screened at various film festivals, including Slamdance in 2012. Now it's on Youtube for free viewing, along with several other Wood shorts (like 1951's depressing The Sun Was Setting). Supposedly, a second episode called The Night the Banshee Cried was also filmed, but that one has yet to surface.



After giving his final performance as a vampire in a stage play, the lead actor (Duke Moore, as James “Duke” Moore) decides to stick around in the theater once everyone else has gone home. Why? Well, because some “unseen object” has been beckoning him. Since this was filmed without sound, the whole thing is narrated by a manic Dudley Manlove; who's best-know for uttering the infamous “Your stupid minds! Stupid! Stupid!” line as Plan 9's pompous alien Eros. Here he has to deliver plenty of typically leaden / awful / awkward Wood-ian dialogue like “I know that I must find that object, even thought I don't know what it is I must seek. I also know I fear that I will find that object. This night the calling is stronger than it had ever been before. This night was to be the night I had looked forward to with fear, knowing all the time that it had to come sooner or later and there was nothing that I could do to heed that call. This was to be the night. This, the last night of our play. This night when all of the others had gone home.”






We're then subjected to numerous scenes where the actor wanders around the theater observing such exciting things as wind blowing in through the window, a cat screaming, a staircase railing and door knob that feel cold and clammy and a light bulb going out (“It appears to have gone out after many long nights of continuous use, but has the bulb burned out? Couldn't it have been that some unseen thing has probed a hole through the frosted glass to let in the infectious air?”) Random shots of things like ropes, a water cooler, pipes, rafters, lights and seats that look like “squatty little fat men” are shown over and over again and the narrator goes into the most intricate details about each, desperately attempting to make everything seem sinister.






Finally, the actor stumbles into a room where a white-wigged “vampire” mannequin (Jeannie Stevens) stands. After feeling its clothing, the voice-over then goes into a typical Wood rant passionately spooging all over female clothing: “I lift the flowing gown and caress it with my hand then rub the smooth material against my cheek. Inwardly, I know I am smiling; enjoying this new sensation.” The mannequin smiles at him and then he walks into a room and climbs into a coffin. The end. Leave it to old Eddie to make 22 minutes feel like 22 hours. If you're a Wood fan who savors his ludicrously descriptive, overwrought dialogue, strange obsessions and stock footage of lighting bolts, you may find this worth watching. To everyone else, it's just a pitiful, tedious, uneventful, poorly-done bore. Despite enjoying a lot of other Wood-directed / scripted films, I'm in the latter category on this one.







Even though this never became a series (hard to imagine why!), Wood didn't let all of the footage go to waste and incorporated bits and pieces into his Night of the Ghouls / Revenge of the Dead, which was put together in 1959 but not released until 1982 because of unpaid film lab bills. Two of the associate producers were Tom Mason, Wood's wife's chiropractor who doubled for the dead Lugosi in Plan 9, and Anthony Cardoza Jr., who went on to produce three really bad Coleman Francis movies, including the near-legendarily awful The Beast of Yucca Flats (1961).

On the 3rd Day (1983)

... aka: On the Third Day

Directed by:
Stanley O'Toole

Douglas Hammond (Paul Williamson), stuffy and image-obsessed headmaster at the Larchfield Boys Preparatory School, and his wife Clarissa (Catherine Schell) return home from a brief trip to spend Easter weekend at home only to find the phone line dead, their cat shut up in an upstairs bedroom and the glass pane on their back door carefully removed with a glass cutter. A burglary? Nope. They find the man who broke in calmly sitting in their study. He announces himself as Jeremy Bolt (Richard Morant) and claims since he hasn't stolen anything and doesn't plan to that, legally, there's little they can do about him being there. He claims that he and Douglas both share a mutual friend: Douglas' former college roommate Joe, whom he hasn't seen in several years. The soft-spoken, articulate, well-dressed and polite Jeremy continues that he's an accountant who just got back from Australia and really just needs a place to stay for a few days while he's in town. He seems to have a plausible answer for pretty much everything, including the whereabouts of the car he claimed he drove there that is nowhere to be found, yet a certain unnerving and odd way about him nonetheless. However, since Douglas finds him “presentable enough” and he's a friend of a friend, he decides to let him stay there.






While Douglas rushes off to pick up his, uh, sexually liberated 21-year-old daughter Sarah (Sally Toft), who's been away at college and coming in for the holiday, Jeremy uses the opportunity to clue Clarissa in on the fact that he knows way more about them than he should, including that she fled her working class home in Europe and was homeless until Douglas met her, took her in and married her. Because of Douglas' obsession with “good breeding” in regards to his students, over dinner Jeremy lets them in on his own life and past, claiming to be the son of a late chambermaid whose father ran off before he was even born who managed to make something of himself regardless.

An excellent piano player, Jeremy is also a fan of punk and New Wave much to the daughter's liking. When Douglas calls it “meaningless junk,” Jeremy calls him a “musical snob” and then pulls a gun on him, gets in his face and starts screaming; a weird outburst he writes off as just a practical joke. And it's also a practical joke when he points the gun at his head, spins the barrel, pulls the trigger and falls over like he's just killed himself when the bullets are actually blanks. After that bizarre display, the startled parents decide to call it a night. Though Sarah doesn't really appreciate his sense of humor, she finds herself rather easily seduced by him and the two make love outside by the pool later that night. He's so prudent about it that he even gives her the option of soft or hard. All of the above is what the wily home intruder gets up to his very first night in the home so who knows what else he has in store for the family.






After discovering that Jeremy doesn't actually know their mutual friend, Douglas wants him out of the house right away. However, Jeremy knows some more personal secrets about him and his wife that he uses to blackmail them into staying on until he's ready to go. By the time Monday rolls around, and just in time for the town's communal Easter celebration, Jeremy  dredges up even more skeletons in the proper family's closet and things take a somewhat violent turn. The title is a biblical allusion to the death and resurrection of Jesus (“And that he was buried, and that he rose again the third day according to the scriptures” blah blah blah), which the film attempts to parallel with its own characters and their changes / discoveries.






This psychological drama, which often resembles a made-for-TV movie and is somewhat reminiscent of the superior Brimstone & Treacle from the previous year, is competently done but unremarkable and the big revelation at the end is so painfully predictable you can probably guess why Jeremy is there and what his connection is to the Hammond family simply by reading my write-up of the plot. The three leads all deliver good performances, though the actress playing the daughter is awful, has been poorly dubbed over by someone else and was probably cast just because she agreed to (briefly) show her tits. During one odd sequence, a conversation is stopped cold when a little boy randomly shows up at the Hammond home to play Beethoven's "Für Elise" on piano. During another pointless bit, another boy runs out of church service because he has to take a piss. Both of these moments exist solely so the director could give his young sons roles in the film.






This is the sole directorial / screenplay credit for O'Toole, who worked mostly as a producer, including twice for this film's associate producer / DP, Alec Mills on the films Bloodmoon (1990) and Dead Sleep (1992). There seems to have been one release and one release only for this one; a U.S. VHS on the Karl-Lorimar Home Video label back in 1986.

★★

El hombre sin rostro (1950)

... aka: Faceless Man, The
... aka: L'uomo senza volto (The Man Without a Face)
... aka: Man Without a Face, The

Directed by:
Juan Bustillo Oro

How many horror films made in 1950 (not the entire decade, just the year 1950) have you seen? If you asked me a few years ago, I'd have said none. If you asked me now, I'd say “Well I've seen a few sci-fi flicks and a few psychodramas with minor horror elements. Do those count?” As far as my Top 5 for 1950 is concerned, they do count or else I wouldn't even have a Top 5. After all, there were just a tiny number of horror films made this year (less than 10) and nearly all of them are M.I.A. In Hong Kong, there was Wui Ng's Gui wu (aka The Haunted House), but no known copies appear to be around. From the Philippines, there was Gerardo de Leon's award-winning Kamay ni Satanas but, again, the film is not available anywhere to view and may be missing forever. There were (supposedly) three TV movies made in the UK, including Spring-Heeled Jack (a live broadcast of a theatrical performance starring Tod Slaughter), the possession comedy The Poltergeist (a remake of 1948's Things Happen at Night) and the oft-filmed The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde; none of which can be found and are likely gone forever. Actually, those three titles may not have ever existed and someone may have just made them up for all I know. 

IMDb lists Ida Lupino's OUTRAGE as horror and used to list Fritz Lang's HOUSE BY THE RIVER as horror, as well. Including those, a few science fiction films (like ROCKETSHIP X-M) and the dull ghost-with-a-big-hat Guatemalan flick EL SOMBRERON finally got me to 5. Needless to say, I was happy to finally get my hands on an copy of El hombre sin rostro (“The Man Without a Face” or “The Faceless Man” as the subs refer to it) in hopes I'd finally get a more pure genre film to carry the horror flag for this particular year. This not only accomplishes that goal, but it turned out much better than I thought it would be.


Things begin with an amazing little shadowy pre-credit prologue that seems like it could have been filmed in 1920s Germany. In it, Juan Carlos Lozano (Arturo de Córdova) has visions of a funeral procession that he views sitting alone at a park bench. The dead are victims of an unknown psycho killer. His mother (Matilde Palou) walks up to him to chastise him and tells him he needs to hunt down the killer and murder him with his bare hands. Juan Carlos then finds the killer standing on a street corner and approaches him only to discover that the man has no face. Filmed on minimalist, sparse sets with just a few trees, the bench and street lights against a plain backdrop, plus plenty of fog, these shots are extremely striking and cool-looking. This same approach will later be used several more times to represent Juan Carlos' dream world; his subconscious. We next meet up with Dr. Eugenio Britel (Miguel Ángel Ferriz), who makes it home in a daze, goes to his desk, pulls out a gun and contemplates suicide because he claims he's a murderer, prompting a flashback to how he got into this state to begin with.







In Guadalajara, a man in a hat and trench coat is going around murdering hookers and other women with a scalpel; showing no class or age distinction between his victims. Like Jack the Ripper before him, he's “a beast with surgical precision” and knows just what he's doing when it comes to cutting up corpses. Heading up the police investigation the past few months, Juan Carlos is getting hell from both his superior and the press for not being able to catch "The Mutilator." When he attempts to resign from his job and let someone else take over the case, his boss tells him he's a coward but wants him to continue on. Juan Carlos confides in Dr. Eugenio that he's sure the killer is mutilating the victims specifically to get under his skin and try to break him. A “pathological fear of failure” has always crippled Juan Carlos' life. He was once on the verge of graduating with his medical degree but backed out right before graduation... and now he's about to quit something else. Eugenio's pep talk gets Juan Carlos motivated to solve the case again, but the doctor may have more sinister designs about “the lousy life of this loser” and anxiously awaits how he'll react to the next murder.






Intrigued with the prospect of getting involved in the investigation, Eugenio accompanies Juan Carlos to a seedy nightclub, where all of the lust, vice and “dirty music” makes Juan Carlos feel, well, dirty. He explodes in a rage when he spots a dancing couple kissing and jumps in, smacking the girl in the face and punching the guy out. Feeling like he's losing his mind, Juan begs Eugenio to help save his soul, but the doctor warns it will require courage to reach the darkest parts of his conscience and confront his inner demons. Juan Carlos then describes his dreams and we're back in the dream world, this time with a bunch of asexual statues, a chained-up monster (Wolf Ruvinskis) that's unleashed and, of course, the ever-present figures of the mocking mother and the faceless man.






This leads to a flashback to Juan Carlos' younger years when he falls in love with orphaned adopted sister Ana Maria (Carmen Molina). Ana Maria wants to postpone their upcoming wedding because the mother is extremely smothering, possessive and protective of her son, thinking he belongs only to her. The domineering mother uses every guilt trip tactic in her arsenal to split the two up, including fainting and pretending to be on her death bed so he'll develop hate for Ana Maria and renounce their love. It works and ruins the relationship and ma is suddenly miraculously better. Two years after her death, she still exerts her hold over him. Thinking they'll be able to make amends and regain what they had before, Ana Maria comes back into Juan Carlos' life and home after mum is finally out of the picture for good and attempts to pick up where they left off, but he's not having it.






After catching the maid Rosa (Queta Lavat) smooching on her fiance, Juan Carlos brands her a “slut,” promptly fires her and makes her leave his house late at night. As she's walking home, she becomes the psycho's latest victim. Coincidentally, Dr. Britel also happens to be in town at the time. Has curbing his desires to please his monster of a mother for so long turned Juan Carlos into simply a woman-hater or a full-blown woman-hating murderer? He does, after all, have the psychological make-up of a killer. There's also an outside chance that the good doctor may be responsible and is using Juan Carlos as a guinea pig; toying with him psychologically as a potential scapegoat for the crimes he's actually committing. Here, it ultimately doesn't even matter who the killer is because the concentration is placed more upon the psychology of our protagonist.







Utilizing elements of expressionism, surrealism, film noir, psychoanalysis and dream symbolism in creating a thorough psychological profile of our troubled lead, this was way ahead of its time. There's a mother-dominated Psycho a good decade before Hitchcock's famous film, with even the classic line “We all go a little mad sometimes” equaled with us all having a “bloodthirsty beast that dwells in our hearts.” And its usage of surrealism and eerie, distorted sets to get inside a disturbed head came 15 years before Polanski's Repulsion. The acting is good all around, with a highly effective showcase performance from de Córdova, who does a superb job descending further and further into madness over the course of the film. Mental illness isn't dealt with in a sensational manner either, but with a surprisingly compassionate touch. It's somewhat talk-heavy, but the visuals and insights more than make up for any excess exposition.



Director Oro is also credited with the story, screenplay and producing the film. His other genre credits (which I'm now pretty stoked to see) include The Phantom of the Convent (1934), The Mystery of the Ghastly Face (1935), Every Madman to His Specialty (1939) and Return to Youth (1954). All of these are hard to come by here in America, including this one. Azteca Films imported it into the U.S. for a theatrical showing, but it was only screened in its original Spanish language so I'm sure many skipped out on seeing it back then. It was nominated for the Golden Lion at the Venice Film Festival and three Ariel Awards, for Best Actor, Jorge Stahl Jr.'s cinematography and Raúl Lavista's score, winning for the latter.

Sadly, this one's not legitimately on DVD anywhere (not even in its home country) to my knowledge. What I viewed was a poor-quality full-screen print culled from a Spanish TV broadcast accompanied by fan-made English subtitles. Criterion or another reputable company really need to get their hands on this one!

★★1/2

Dark Romances, Vol. 1: Born Evil (1990)

... aka: Dark Romances
... aka: Dark Romances: "Born Evil"
... aka: Dark Romances Vol. 1

Directed by:
Mark Shepard

It's the winter of 1888 at the Charenton Asylum for the Insane, just outside of Paris. Some madwoman is in possession of a black box that she claims can unleash evil unto the world. Some man wants to take it from her, so she explains why he shouldn't in our first tale “The Black Veil,” based on a story called The Seventh Door by John Strysik and Patricia Miller. Unlike most shorts in anthology features, this isn't a short at all but a full-blown feature film clocking in at 75 minutes. Young, naive and well-bred Meg Hexley (Elizabeth Morehead) goes to Paris to settle the affairs / estate of her late husband, a psychiatrist mentored by none other than Freud himself. While in town, she hooks up with former college friend Justine (Julie Carlson), who's now working as an actress at the famed Theatre du Grand Guignol, run out of an abandoned cathedral. There she bears witness to music, blood, death, whipping, torture, breasts and images from George Melies' silent films (including A Trip to the Moon) projected onto the walls. She also meets some of Justine's acting company, like creepy mime Demetrius (Robert Rothman), the strikingly beautiful but strange and distant Diana (Brinke Stevens) and a female pinhead who merrily stirs up all the stage blood in a pot. Meg wonders how her friend has managed to go from one of the most expensive and exclusive girl's schools in Europe to this kind of life.






Justine is crippled with headaches, hooked on a booze and opium cocktail, living in poverty in a run-down building with some of her fellow actresses and obsessed with sick and twisted thoughts. Fearing for her friend's life, Meg goes and fetches a black box belonging to her late husband. Inside is a “hypnosis device,” which she's hoping will draw back “the black veil” clouding over her friend. The device, a spinning wheel placed in front of a candle, is used to put Justine under. She's then asked to go to “the hiding place” in her mind and is soon revealing things like seeing a singer being skinned alive... and enjoying watching it. Further sessions reveal a dark family history involving an adulterous forger of a father who frequently visited prostitutes and sold children into prostitution and slavery, a drug addict and rapist of a brother and a crazy, murderous mother who eventually had to be hauled off in a straight jacket. Justine's past pretty much is the Grand Guignol.






The treatments may uncover some things about what makes Justine tick, but they don't stop the blood lust nor the madness. During the next show, she really slashes Demetrius' throat in front of a live audience and then coerces a hysterical Meg into drinking one of her opium drinks, which results in a trip out and lesbian sex. Diana comes back into the picture to lure Meg out of bed and to some blood ceremony she and her female followers are conducting. They slice open Meg's hand and she bleeds all over some lump of Playdough that (I think) is supposed to be a heart or brain. She returns to Justine and is instructed to crack open the heart / brain thingy and then there's a long and rapidly-edited montage of green smoke, lightning bolts, flashing lights, a slimy puppet monster and shots of Stevens brandishing vampire teeth and looking sultry as she captures Justine's “essence” in a little jar. Does any of this make sense? Well, kind of.






Giving credit where credit is due, this is extremely ambitious for a SOV film and is perhaps the most ambitious film of this type that I've seen from this era. There's an attempt at a period setting with appropriate costumes, props and sets clearly constructed just for the film, plus actors actually trying to do accents (note I said trying) and give decent performances. Some of the actors (namely Carlson, Rothman and Stevens, the only known performer in this cast) are actually pretty decent in their roles. The lighting is extremely stylized and colorful and there doesn't seem to be a single frame that isn't doused in blue, red, purple, green and / or yellow light. That said, the video format simply does not work all that well with this particular approach. The low key lighting on tape just doesn't look like it does on film, resulting in murky clarity and shots that are often blurry and difficult to make out. The shots themselves are frequently amateurish, with few establishing, wide or even medium shots used; just lots of in-your-face close-ups. Even worse, this entire thing is edited like a music video and the constant flash cuts are not only excessive but also extremely irritating at times. When this all works, certain moments look striking, but it's mostly just annoyingly flashy and “artistic” to make up for a slim story that's needlessly drawn out to the point of tedium.






Our second story, titled “Listen to Midnight,” starts with a quote from JFK's diary and is set in modern day Los Angeles, where alcoholic, suicidal, misogynistic (“Women are all pushovers.”), dragonfly-obsessed photographer Tod (Ron Roleck) narrates his own boring little story. After having a lengthy nightmare where he's mocked by a snobby model (Stevens again, who also plays the role of a radio DJ later on) and a man in sunglasses (Michael Sonye), who eventually smash him into a wall with their car, he wakes up to a bitchy, pill-popping model in his bed chewing him out for waking her up. Such is the life of Tod. After an argument over some pictures he owes her of their sexual tryst, he calls her out for being a “lousy lay” and she retorts that his love making skills merely “made the Earth budge” on her way out the door. Tod claims he drinks because of all the nightmares he keeps having. That and having to shoot “annoying little cockroaches” (children) just to make ends meet.






Deciding to end it all, Tod puts a pistol in his mouth and pulls the trigger but the chamber is empty. He then hits the streets with his camera looking for bullets and snapping pictures of whatever interests him along the way. A convenience store doesn't have what he's looking for but a strange woman with long fingernails and dressed in a black veil reminds him that “The sleep of reason breeds monsters” in between munching on Twinkies and Bubble Yum. He sees a bum (Larry Hankin) drinking Drain-O and then steps into a bar for a drink where Carol (Dawn Wildsmith), an ex-girlfriend he screwed over, lays into him. He talks to the bartender about all of the other ladies he's humped and dumped, meets a new wave-looking, multi-pierced bimbo named Ginger (Anita Coleito) and takes her home, thinking she'll be an easy lay. He turns out to be correct, but it all ends up being a little messier than he was probably expecting.






Like the first story, this has continual colorful pseudo-arty lighting and pseudo-surreal direction and is flash-edited within an inch of its miserable life. As a result, this 30-minute tale is a real chore to sit through. The story is both depressing and uninteresting and the lead character is such a self-absorbed, irritating piece of shit, viewing this is more excruciating than entertaining. If I ranked the two stories separately, the first would get 2 stars and this would get 1. In other words, had “The Black Veil” been released independently and not dragged down by this other useless story, it would have fared a little better in my overall ranking.


Dark Romances (which has a 1989 copyright date, though some sources claim filming actually began as far back as 1986) was first issued on VHS by Film Threat, who offered both it and its sequel; Dark Romances, Vol. 2: Bleeding Hearts (1990), together on one set. The box contained positive blurbs from the likes of Clive Barker, Stephen King, Forrest J. Ackerman and Variety. Afterward, in the late 90s, it was reissued on the Salt City Home Video label. And after that, well, there was no after that. That was it. I wouldn't hold my breath expecting a DVD release for this one either.

1/2

Nao mo (1983)

... aka: Black Magic with Buddha
... aka: Blackmagic with Buhda, The
... aka: Black Magic with Butchery
... aka: Magic Brains
... aka: Monster Brains

Directed by:
Lieh Lo

Director Lo knows all about black magic, but we're getting a little ahead of ourselves here. Born in 1939 under the name Lida Wang in Pematangsiantar, Indonesia to Cantonese parents, Lo immigrated to Hong Kong as a teenager. While still in his early 20s, he started training in martial arts and soon became a member of Shaw Brothers' stable of talent. Several years before Bruce Lee became internationally famous, Lo became the studio's very first kung fu superstar in his breakthrough film The Invincible Fist (1969). Many more martial arts films would follow in the 60s and 70s, most famously the cult classic Five Fingers of Death (1972), but because of the actor's perpetually angry look and brutal fighting techniques, he found himself being typecast almost exclusively as villains. The same intense persona and screen presence would later land him a lead role in Shaw's BLACK MAGIC (1975), where he played the obsessive admirer of a rich woman who attempts to use black magic to get both the beauty and her money. The film was so popular it resulted in a sequel, BLACK MAGIC, PART II (1976), the following year with Lo playing a powerful 80-year-old sorcerer who retains his youthful looks by drinking breast milk (!) and spends much of his time casting spells on the unsuspecting cast in order to get sex and line his bank account. Those two roles certainly prepared Lo for this one; his first and only foray into the genre as director. He also plays a sorcerer here (though a good one this time) but doesn't even appear until the second half of the film.


Indebted to a man who saved his life but has since passed, Master Abdulla repays him by taking his son Ben Chin (“Chau Koon” / Kuan Tai Chen) deep in the Indonesian jungles to a cave where its rumored a powerful sorcerer is buried. After they locate the tomb, Abdulla performs a ritual and instructs Ben to stab the mummified sorcerer through the heart with the dagger. The head cracks right open and the brain is put into a box. According to Abdulla, Ben should use it just one time to grant any wish he wants but after that he's to destroy the brain with holy water. If he doesn't and decides to get greedy, well, there's no telling what horrible consequences may befall him and those he loves. After the two men leave, the cave shakes, catches fire and blows up.






Ben flies home to Hong Kong and is easily able to get through security because the brain can appear and disappear whenever it wants. He meets up with his girlfriend Annie (Candice Yu) and her sister-in-law Mary (Elaine Kam) and accompanies the two to the hospital to visit their ailing father. Though pops gives his blessing of marriage, Annie's controlling brother Kit steps in and forbids it; demanding he get his shit together and start making more money first. Ben then consults the magical pulsating brain. He gives it an offering of animal brain that it eagerly slurps up and then prays to it to give him a million dollars so he can marry Annie. Not long after, Ben's stingy sister (Linda Chu) is murdered by some kind of heavy-breathing supernatural force that knocks her off the roof and then throws her through a window. Ben inherits the million dollars from her death, which is enough... for the time being. However, he makes the big mistake of not destroying the brain, which comes back to haunt him in a big way.






After getting married, Ben and Annie's happy home quickly becomes a house of horrors. He gets caught up in a blood shower. She spots something shiny and slimy slithering up the walls. A dead monkey with its brains eaten is found on the floor, followed by a dead brainless dog outside. Ben wants to start a gold reserve investment company and goes to his father-in-law for a loan, but Kit sticks his nose in once again and insinuates that the only reason he married into the family was for money. Ben goes home and prays to the evil brain once more, which ends with the brother-in-law getting attacked and killed in his bathtub by a bunch of bloodsucking brains! After Annie's weak-hearted father and the now-widowed Mary move in with them, Ben continues using the brain and soon finds his father-in-law offering to sign over everything he owns to him. He also discovers he now has little control over the brain, especially after Annie accidentally destroys the vial of holy water needed to destroy it. Attempts to bury it, burn it, beat it to a pulp with a shovel and even squashing it under a huge rock don't work.







While Ben continues to be haunted by the brain, Annie has a religious conversion after visiting a shrine and seeing the eyes on a statue of “The God of 4 Faces” glow. She suddenly becomes “at peace” (completely complacent), throws out all of her make-up, becomes a vegetarian and refuses to have sex with her husband. Thinking she's under a spell, Ben goes to visit a white-haired old sorcerer (the director), who performs an exorcism that has Ben puking up brain matter. Things get even crazier once a reanimated 8-armed statue, a serene Buddha spirit (with a red Swastika painting on its chest!) and the sorcerer all combine forces in an effort to stop the Brain Devil, which eventually takes over Ben's body and turns him into a bloody, gloopy monster.







This was released independently through the director's own fledgling company Lo's Films and appears to be their only release. You may be reminded of such later films as The Brain and Brain Damage while watching it, but it gets sillier and messier the longer it goes on. The disco song “Don't Let Go” (the same one Ed Harris dances to in Creepshow) is heard during a bar scene. It was never released in the U.S. and has only received VHS and VCD releases in Asia. The Thai release (the one I watched whose title translates to "Monster Brains") has burnt in English subtitles.

★★

Mirror Mirror (1990)

... aka: Cauchemar Miroir (Nightmare Mirror)
... aka: Reflexo do Demônio (The Demon's Reflection)

Directed by:
Marina Sargenti

Deciding to get away from Los Angeles and start a new life after he husband passes on (and because her shrink recommends it), widow Susan Gordon (Karen Black) purchases a new home in a small Midwestern town that she and her troubled teenage daughter Megan (Rainbow Harvest) promptly move into, little realizing that a murder has already taken place there. Unlike Susan, who's kooky and aloof in that very distinctive Karen Black kinda way, puts up a bubbly appearance for the world at large and dresses in bright flowery dresses and a variety of big hats and “glamorous” wigs, Megan is sullen, pale, standoffish, can't get enough black in her wardrobe and overdoes it with the dark eye shadow and lipstick. Yes, she's Goth with a capital G and, while that may fly in the big city, it makes her an easy target for ridicule in her new small town; most especially at her high school. I'm not sure what middle schools and high schools are like nowadays for kids. Hopefully some of the newer anti-bullying policies and more awareness on the subject have helped matters somewhat but if you were a teen in the 80s or 90s, especially one living in a small town, all that acting or dressing “different” got you was a target on your back.







Immediately after Megan walks into her homeroom on her very first day, the snickering and finger pointing begins. Naturally, the most popular of the bunch, well-endowed rich girl Charlene Kane (Charlie [Spradling]), turns out to be the meanest, but none of them are anywhere near as sadistic and vicious as teens seen in other outcast-strikes-back flicks like CARRIE (1976), JENNIFER (1978), Terror Train (1980), EVILSPEAK (1981) or SLAUGHTER HIGH (1986). In those movies, the cool kids were doing things like dumping pig's blood on heads, tricking nerds into beds with naked corpses, taking incriminating nude photos and trying to get their unpopular targets raped, kidnapped or even killed. You know, things cruel enough to conceivably make one snap. In this one, they laugh, whisper and say the occasional rude, bitchy thing but keep their hands to themselves. Megan is lucky enough to find an ally in Nikki (Kristin Dattilo) right away, who befriends her on her first day of school, helps protect her and even gets her boyfriend Ron (Ricky Paull Goldin) to at least tolerate her. Not only that, but Charlene's good-looking jock boyfriend Jeff (Tom Bresnahan) finds himself attracted to her. In other words, she's hardly in a Carrie White type of situation. Still, some of her peers are decidedly not nice and manage to get on Megan's bad side. Luckily for her, a helpful little gift was left behind from the previous tenants (one rumored to be a witch): an antique mirror that has the ability to grant wishes. Only these wishes come with a nasty kick since the mirror is actually a portal to “the other side” where demons dwell.






Megan first learns of the mirror's power when she wishes her deceased father was still around. He shows up later that night in her bedroom, only in corpse form, and she quickly wishes him away. Because she asked it for something, the mirror then begins working its magic and takes it upon itself to start acting out Megan's innermost desires (whether she really wants it or not); eventually taking possession of her. The mirror bleeds and fester with flies, gives Charlene a nasty nose bleed and makes a science teach (Stephen Tobolowsky) have an asthma attack so bad he has to be hauled off on a stretcher. And then people start dying. All the while, Megan builds up enough self-confidence to be a bit more assertive and starts dressing sexier. Elsewhere, antique dealer Emelin (Yvonne De Carlo), who's in charge of sorting through the belongings from the old house, stumbles upon a diary from the previous tenant which talks about the mirror and its powers. She then studies up on her demonology and comes to the conclusion that she has to try to find a way to get it back again, even if that means breaking into the house and stealing it.






There's a decent amount of blood and gore to help offset just how derivative the whole thing is, including a stabbing, death by flying shards of glass, clawed demon hands emerging from the mirror to make someone's head a bloody mess, a lip getting bitten off and maggots festering in a chicken wing to ruin pet cemetery owner William Sanderson's din-din. The two most memorable bits are Black painting the kitchen red when her hand gets stuck in a garbage disposal and the voluptuous Spradling providing some nice nudity before getting hot steamed in the locker room shower. There's the occasional bit of strange humor (some of which is actually amusing) and clever POV shots from inside the mirror looking out, which utilize a blue hue and distorted sound. This also boasts above average performances from most of the cast. Black is her usual scene-stealing self as the quirky yet self-absorbed mom, De Carlo contributes a nice character bit and nearly all of the younger actors are good, most especially the extremely likable Dattilo as the fun, non-judgmental nice girl that pretty much anyone would want as a friend. Well except for Megan, who can't seem to appreciate much of anything. Speaking of Megan, I do have one major complaint about this one and that's with the casting and scripting of this all-important central role...







While Harvest isn't completely terrible in the part, what she does here could best be described as flat and uninspired. Though the script doesn't do her any favors, her character is almost completely devoid of personality. She's neither interesting nor sympathetic. She's just kind of there looking a bit bored. One gets the feeling that the petite, wide-eyed actress was cast simply because she resembles Winona Ryder, who just played a Goth teen in the horror-comedy hit Beetlejuice (1988). The hair and wardrobe people even style her exactly like Lydia Deetz. The difference? Well, Lydia is good-hearted, drolly funny, clever and likable behind her morbid facade while Megan is pretty much the polar opposite of all that. It's also difficult to get behind the character's “revenge” when she's befriended by a very cool chick her first day of school, gets the attention of the hottest guy there and has a mother who's actually interested in improving their relationship, not to mention the fact that the worst thing the bullies can come up with to do to her is organize a “Dress Like Megan” day and come to school all Gothed out. Lydia would have found that amusing.


The original VHS release from Academy came with a holographic cover featuring the mirror demon reaching its hands out with a tilt of the box.


Filmed in the summer of 1989, this received a limited theatrical release in 1990 from New City Releasing before being ushered out onto home video in 1991. Director Sargenti, formerly a music producer and a director of music videos and commercials, went on to make the TV movie Child of Darkness, Child of Light (1991), which also featured Dattilo. Producer Jimmy Lifton composed the score and went on to direct, produce, write and score the first of three sequels: Mirror Mirror 2: Raven Dance (1993). He also produced Mirror Mirror III: The Voyeur (1995), co-directed by Virginia Perfili (who appears here as a teacher) and Rachel Gordon and Mirror Mirror IV: Reflection (2000), directed by his wife, Paulette Victor. All four titles were bundled together for a DVD release through Starz / Anchor Bay.

★★

Tiyanak (1988)

... aka: Goblin
... aka: Monster Baby

Directed by:
Peque Gallaga
Lorenzo A. 'Lore' Reyes

While passing through the jungle, Jopet (Crispin 'Pen' Medina) and his pregnant wife Nelia (Betty Mae Piccio) hear the sound of a baby crying. She goes to investigate, finds an adorable little baby wrapped up in leaves and picks it up, only for the infant to spring to life and go all It's Alive on her. Near where the woman was killed live the well-to-do Marsos family. Virginal daughter Christie (Lotlot De Leon), who's been away at college, decides to come back home for a visit so she can introduce everyone to her medical student boyfriend Jojo (Ramon Christopher). Upon arrival, Christie is disheartened to find that her sister Julie (Janice de Belen) is severely depressed after having had several miscarriages, including a traumatic recent one during the final trimester. Julie's been so shaken up by what she's been through recently, plus the financial burden medicine and frequent doctor's visits are putting on her and her husband Mars (Rudolf Yaptinchay), that she has a screaming nervous breakdown by simply recounting it. Being the good sister she is, Christie is forced to slap the shit out of her to calm her down and then tells her to “Trust in God.” Well, God's line's apparently busy, so someone else ends up answering her call.






After hearing several neighborhood boys talking about monsters said to be lurking in the woods, little sister Monica (Carmina Villaroel) consults her husky-voiced, deeply religious grandmother (Mary Walter, from KILL BARBARA WITH PANIC), who lays out the mythology of the creatures for us. Back when God and Satan were warring for power, three different groups formed: Those who followed God and became angels and saints, those who rebelled and followed Satan and became demons and those who were “two-faced” and refused to take a side. Those in the latter category waited out the revolution until Satan and followers were banished to hell but, by then, it was too late. Their doubt in either side trapped them on Earth, where they are cursed to live as immortal creatures. These beings took the shape of “manananggal” (a bloodsucking, winged witch), “aswang” (a shapeshifter that takes many forms, including that of a werewolf) and “tiyanak” (a vampire-like monster that imitates a child or baby in order to ensnare prey). Because these creatures are doomed to live on Earth forever, they're filled with bitterness and envy and often like to take it all out on any humans they come across.






While outside getting romantic with some guava, Christie and Jojo hear a baby crying and find an abandoned infant in the shed. They bring it back home, where Julie stakes her claim and believes it to be a blessing from God to repay her for all of the babies she's lost. Granny, on the other hand, isn't having any of it (“Maligno! That baby is a devil. Kill it!”) Despite being older and wiser, her warnings are ignored when the man of the house caves in to his wife and allows her to keep it. They name the baby “Angelica” and problems start up right away, with it constantly fussing, cutting Monica's face (which causes a very nasty infection) and tossing an angel figurine onto the floor. After it attacks Monica, Granny attempts to kill it by smothering it and pushing its stroller down the stairs but the baby retaliates and kills her instead.





For some reason, most in the family refuse to believe the baby could be at fault. Christie is skeptical at first and, after the baby disappears, Mars and Julie think it's some kind of extortion / kidnapping scheme orchestrated by a gang of thugs who are actually Jopet and his buddies looking to get revenge on the monster. Having already been attacked once, Monica certainly knows better and teams up with two neighborhood kids: servant boy Niniko (Smokey Manaloto), who witnessed the first killing, and cop's son Aries (Chuckie Dreyfuss), who has access to guns. The three go to visit kindly backwoods medicine woman Telang Bayawak (Zorayda Sanchez), who reveals that the tiyanak hides when it's injured, can only be killed with fire and that, each time it transforms from human baby to monster, it leaves behind a layer of cloth-like skin, sort of like when a snake sheds. She instructs them to get the skin and bring it to her.





Christie finally becomes a believer herself when she rescues the baby from the thugs only to almost get killed herself after it slaughters a female doctor (Suzanne Gonzales) and a nurse at the hospital. Of course, the staff doesn't believe her story and dope her up, so baby Angelica returns home. The following day, the rest of the family go to church to get the baby baptized but it screams, cries, makes candles melt and turns holy water into blood. Jopet and his goons show up with guns; prompting Julie to run off with the baby. She ducks into a movie theater showing HOUSE (1986), falls asleep and little Angelica transforms into a monster and slaughters an annoying kid who won't stop disrupting the movie for the rest of the audience. (Hell, where was Angelica two weeks ago when I went to see The Witch in a cinema packed with teens?) The gang busts in, starts shooting innocent people and Jopet finally pops a cap in the baby's head before going crazy and being hauled off by police while the theater owner chews Julie out for not paying for a ticket and screams things like “I won't watch horror films anymore!” Hilarious! Things finally end up at the house, which the monster has been using as its safe haven all this time, for a fiery finish.






The directors have clearly seen the aforementioned IT'S ALIVE (1974) because this has many scenes clearly inspired by both it and its sequels. It's hampered a bit by poor editing choices that repeatedly cut away from the action and horror scenes to show other characters discussing matters somewhere else. However, none of that means this isn't a hell of a lot of fun! Despite a run time that exceeds 2 hours, things move along quite nicely and it's filled with fun moments, decent horror scenes (especially when the baby traps the leading lady in a storage closet) and even some fully intentional laughs. It's nicely shot, the cable-controlled demon baby design is surprisingly good and the cast is decent as well. Though Julie is annoying and JoJo is a douche bag, this makes up for it with a likable female lead, great supporting roles for Walter (who had been starring in similar films since 1927!!) and Sanchez, plus kid characters who are not only not annoying but actually smarter and more resilient than most of the adults. I'm now officially stoked to see more 80s Filipino horror if they're as much fun as this one.






Co-director Gallaga previously made the “Manananggal” segment in the anthology Shake, Rattle & Roll (1984) and went on to do the “Aswang” segment in Shake, Rattle & Roll II, which he co-directed with Reyes. The two directors also teamed up on a feature-length Aswang movie in 1992, a 1999 follow-up titled Sa piling ng aswang (“In the Presence of the Aswang”) and a 2014 remake of this one titled T'yanak. The 2011 documentary The Aswang Phenomenon features an interview with Gallaga about the vampire-creature legends; which are presented as fact to just about every young child in the Philippines.

Spontaneous Combustion (1990)

… aka: Fire Syndrome
… aka: I figli del fuoco (The Fire Children)
… aka: Nevada eksperimentet (Nevada Experiment)
… aka: Polttava kuolema (Burning Death)

Directed by:
Tobe Hooper

I scoured the internet looking for interviews with Hooper where he addresses this particular film and came up empty handed in my search. Seems like nearly everyone just wants to talk in great length about his masterpiece The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974). I wonder if he's sick of talking about that movie and answering the same questions over and over again forty years later. Other journalists will touch on some of his other, better-known films. You know, like his Spielberg-produced Hollywood breakthrough Poltergeist (1982), which remains his highest-grossing film to date, and his less successful work with Cannon Picture on the Texas Chainsaw sequel and the big-budget bombs Lifeforce (1985) and Invaders from Mars (1986), but tend to stop around that point in time as if he didn't make anything afterward. If I was ever given a chance to interview him I'd personally be picking his brain about movies like this (which bears the telltale signs of being a very troubled production) and some of the odd ones he made overseas soon after like Night Terrors (1993) and The Mangler (1995). Spontaneous Combustion was his first theatrical feature after his disastrous three-picture stint with Cannon / Golan-Globus four years earlier. Like the Cannon films, this one also had a fairly healthy budget and was a major flop. On a budget of 5.5 million dollars, it grossed just 50 thousand in its limited run. Box Office Mojo lists 226 theatrical releases for 1990 and this one ranks #221 for the year.






Things begin in 1955 at the “Hydrogen Bomb Testing Site” in the Nevada Desert. Brian Bell (Brian Bremer) convinces his wife Peggy (Stacy Edwards) to take part in a military experiment called “Project Samson;” which promises to “take the anxiety out of the Atomic Age!” While hiding down in a bunker 20 feet underground and allowing the military to drop an A-bomb directly on top of them may not sound like a wise choice, it certainly pays well and all they really have to do is strap themselves down to a seat and take an experimental new drug to make them immune from the radioactive fallout. Things seem to go off without a hitch... at least at first. Brian and Peggy pass all of their tests, are labeled “America's First Nuclear Family,” become national heroes for their courage and are given a wad of cash and put up in a nice new home in Phoenix. 

Nine months later, Peggy gives birth to a baby boy they name David. Though he has a slightly above-average body temperature and a strange circular birthmark on his hand, otherwise he gets a clean bill of health from the doctors. Brian and Peggy are elated... that is until both of them suddenly go up in flames. The baby is then handed off to project leader Lew Orlander (William Prince) to raise as his own so he can keep a close eye on him and perhaps cultivate his potential. Lew changes the boy's name to Sam Kramer, tells him his real parents drowned and naturally doesn't tell him anything in regards to his real parents or past.







Thirty-five years later in Trinidad Beach, California we meet the now-grown Sam / David (Brad Dourif), who's a college professor and has managed to ingratiate himself into society with no apparent issues thus far. However, that's all about to change and he'll have worse things to worry about than bombing his audition for the upcoming Shakespeare festival. Sam's recently started suffering from intense migraines to go along with a fever-like body temperature he's had his whole life. The birthmark on his hand keeps growing and he's soon having visions of his dead parents and recollecting things about his past he'd have no way of knowing. Coinciding with all of that, people in the area, namely those who have somehow crossed or angered Sam, have mysteriously burned to death. Though the press have written several of the incidents off as the deceased accidentally catching themselves on fire from smoking in bed, the latest victim somehow managed to catch fire while taking a shower; which forced them to look into the concept of spontaneous combustion.







It's soon made clear to both Sam and his supportive new girlfriend Lisa (Cynthia Bain) that he's the one actually causing the deaths after a woman he gets into a fight with, an inept doctor and a rude, Twinkie-eating radio technician (played by John Landis in a silly cameo) all go up in flames after angering Sam. A hole forms on his arm that starts spewing blood and fire and it can't even be put out with water, which just acts as a fuel of sorts to keep the flames going. And if you think dealing with common everyday assholes may make one angry, just wait until Sam finds out that his adoptive father (who's now the chief adviser to the board of director's at a power plant that's reopening in town), his ex-wife (Dey Young), the woman he now loves, his new doctor (Jon Cypher), who strangely whips out a Geiger Counter during an examination, and others are not only keeping things from him but may also be conspiring against him.







While this starts out fairly well with the 1950s segment, it only gets progressively worse from there. The plot is unfocused and meandering, there's so much stuffed in here that pretty much every plot thread ends up under-baked or just gets tossed to the side altogether, the John Dykstra special effects are highly variable (ranging from excellent to awful) and everything leads up to a truly terrible finale that's unsatisfying, anticlimactic and utterly senseless. What gives with the birthmark? What gives with Sam briefly acquiring clairvoyant abilities and being able to see into not only his past but other (dead!) people's lives? What gives with the syringe of glowing green goop a mad doctor / assassin wants to inject Sam and Lisa with? What gives with Sam being able to cause people to spontaneously burst into flames at will and from afar yet not using these powers on the people he knows mean to do him harm? The piss poor writing / plot development does provide the occasional unintended laugh and "WTF just happened?!" moment, so this has that much going for it.







I've always loved Dourif. He's a great actor who usually gives it his all, as he does in this film, but even he can't do much when the dialogue (“Listen you IDIOT! I don't think this is as important as your LOUSY SNOT!”) is this bad. Some other clunkers include Lisa reassuring Sam not to worry because spontaneous human combustion “...happens all the time!” and one of the military men noting the irony of the atomic baby's birthday: “Well it's August 6th... Today's the 10th anniversary of the day we dropped the bomb on Hiroshima. That's pretty funny, isn't it?” The supporting cast also includes Melinda Dillon, Dale Dye and former Chicago Bears linebacker Dick Butkus as members of the 1950s military / science team, Michael Keys Hall, Dick Warlock and one-eyed House of Wax director André De Toth in an uncredited cameo. George “Buck” Flower provides the voice of a radio preacher and Hooper himself can be seen smoking in the boy's room.

1/2

Leng yan sha ji (1982)

... aka: Breakout from Oppression
... aka: Exposed to Danger
... aka: Exterminator final (Final Exterminator)
... aka: Ni tian xing dao zhi sha ji
... aka: Out of Danger
... aka: Sha chu chong wei
... aka: Sha ji Taiwan

Directed by:
"Karen" (Chia-Yun) Yang

Fresh from an eight-year prison stint after falsely being convicted of the the murder of her married lover, Fonda Chiu ("Fonda Lynn" / Siu-Fan Luk) gets a new job as assistant editor of a newspaper, moves into a nice house in the country and tries to have a fresh start, vowing to keep her criminal background a secret. Everything's looking up for her socially, professionally and romantically, as she's making new friends, doing well at her job and begins dating her nice and understanding boss Simon Chang (Alan Tam). Unfortunately, Fonda has also attracted the attention of a vengeful psycho who goes out of their way to make her life a living hell. Said nut job is a jealous 17-year-old psycho-bitch named Sheena ("Lona" / Fu-Mei Chang), who works for the same newspaper as a secretary, victimizes her wheelchair-bound granny ("Carol Chang" / Ying Ying) and tortures a male prisoner (the missing newspaper president) in the cellar of her home! Sheena also twists the head off her doll, kills animals (including chopping off chicken heads and hanging Fonda's pet monkey), tries to seduce Fonda's new man, beats someone to death with a flashlight, beats another guy over the head with a wrench, stabs a guy to death with a butcher knife and feeds a child a spring roll laced with broken glass! To make matters worse she's clever enough to implicate Fonda for her crimes, turning friends and coworkers against her.








The version I saw was the one released on one of those 50 movie packs by Mill Creek Entertainment. The dubbing is hilariously awful and the picture quality is equally bad, as they used a flat-looking, extremely washed-out video print. However, the story itself is entertaining enough to make this worth watching regardless. It's also very fast-paced and seldom drags. The weaving of the current story line with flashbacks is confusing at first, but the film adequately ties up all the loose ends eventually and is done with some competence. In other words, everything starts to makes sense if you hang in there long enough. The film also boasts quite a few entertainingly weird moments, like when a shrieking monkey appears out of nowhere and when Fonda and a photographer ("Jacky Lim" / Tsai-Pei Lin) visit a crime scene and are suddenly attacked by some random madwoman with a butcher knife! There are also some prison flashbacks of our heroine getting roughed up by a cell block bully who slips a razor blade into her soap, a cat fight and the girls all getting sprayed down with a water hose by guards. It's not boring.









Before I discovered the true identity of this movie, which is listed most places under the title Breakout from Oppression and with an erroneous 1978 copyright date, I made the following observations: "Perhaps the most startling thing about this film is that if it were indeed made in 1978 (as is listed on most online sources) then a very famous slasher movie completely ripped off the ending and hasn't been called on it. Ever heard of Friday the 13th? Here we get the female lead vs. the female psycho on a beach. There's an overturned canoe nearby. They fight with oars. The psycho gets on top of our heroine and starts beating her head into the ground, and finally the leading lady grabs a machete off the ground, runs up to the psycho and chops her head off. The shots, editing and even use of slow-motion are completely identical and Fonda is even seen floating in a canoe the next morning when the police arrive! If I had to venture a guess, I'd say the year for this film is incorrectly listed here. I even think I heard snippets of Pino Donaggio's Dressed to Kill (1980) score being used, so this film was likely made sometime in the early 80s as opposed to 1978."








As it turns out, this was indeed made sometime after Friday; between 1982 and 1984 (sources vary depending on where you look) and was shot under the title Leng yan sha ji. The VHS release by Tai Seng Video Marketing and the VCD from Ocean Shores have the English-language title as Exposed to Danger. IMDb (which uses the 1982 year of release) actually has this listed twice in their database; once under the Breakout title and another time as Out of Danger. Though I have no clue where the 1978 date came from, the new Breakout title was given to the film after it was acquired by Godfrey Ho, Joseph Lai and their IFD Films & Arts, who broke tradition and did not add ninja scenes to it. It didn't even matter that the same title had already been used for the 1973 Hong Kong action film Sha chu chong wei, which has caused a lot of confusion over the years. The Anglicized credits are mostly fakes, including those given for the director and lead actress, who also teamed up for the rape-revenge thriller Deadly Darling (1981); another IFD release. On the print I watched, the copyright date is 1985, Lai is the credited producer and Ho is credited as both the writer (as "Benny Ho") and production designer (!?)



This wasn't well-distributed here in America until 2009 when it became a staple in those public domain DVD multi-packs. There was also a VHS release in France trying to market it as an action film. In 2013, a company called Heaven Fire put out a DVD that claims to be digitally restored.

★★1/2

Crowley (1987)

Directed by:
Ricardo Islas

How does a 1980s camcorder-shot vampire movie made by a 16-year-old from Uruguay sound? Well, whatever you're thinking, this is certainly bad but it's not nearly as bad as it could have been under the circumstances. In a small, coastal colonial town, a clawed, drooling, pasty-faced vampire rises from the ground near an old cemetery. He immediately gets to work dispatching a necking couple by tossing the guy over a wall and punching the girl in the face, sending a hilarious stuffed dummy flying across a field. He then punches her in the face some more until he crushes her skull and sucks out all her blood. The bodies are found and then taken to a coroner's office, where the doctor does a thorough examination, not only discovering the girl has been completely drained dry but also that there are puncture wounds and traces of human saliva on her neck. He takes his findings to his police inspector friend (Mario Fernández), who's already been to the crime scene and discovered a freshly-dug grave near where the bodies were found as well as muddy footprints leading from it up to the crime scene. After another girl is attacked and killed in the same manner, the two men ponder whether the killer is a human psycho who only fancies himself a vampire or the real thing. Even more bloodless corpses turning up all over town and a funeral home reporting a coffin being stolen fail to convince them one way or another.








Doing a much better job investigating the murders than all of the adults is a shy, geeky college student named Andres Gutierrez (Juan C. Lazzarini). Andres studies up on vampires and starts researching local history at both the library and a church where he learns that back in the late 17th Century a strange European man by the name of Adrian Crowley arrived in the area when it was still a tiny Portuguese colony. There, he took a maiden named Maria as his lover and, being a vampire, fed off the locals until he was caught by townspeople and hung. Before dying, he vowed to return 300 years later not only to get his revenge but also be reunited with his lost love, who has been reincarnated in the present day as a teen named, you guessed it, Maria (Fanny Bertinat). All it takes is one brief run-in with the vampire in an abandoned house to make Andres realize that the local legend is indeed true, though he doesn't have an easy time convincing everyone else of that.







It isn't until Crowley (who's played by director Islas) kills and drains another young girl and slaughters four punks in a park (including stabbing a guy on the top of his head with a switchblade and crushing a head in his bare hands) that the cops start taking Andres seriously. The Inspector, his assistant Martinez and another officer then go to check out the vampire's tomb. They end up encountering the vamp and only the Inspector gets out of there alive, though one of his officers does at least manage to shoot the vampire's eyeball out before being disemboweled. Crowley then heads out after Maria. After stabbing her best friend Marta (Sandra Casagna) through the throat with a kitchen knife and drowning her boyfriend Jorge (Daniel Lacoste) in a toilet (though he manages to survive the attack), Crowley finally gets his claws on her and whisks her off to some tunnels located underneath the school's campus. Can Andres and Jorge get to her in time?







Pretty much all of the technical aspects of this one are as bad as they get, from the horribly overdone lighting to the blurry and frequently out of focus videography to the poor continuity all the way up to the amateurish acting, cheap gore fx, ragged editing and opening credits drawn with markers set to stolen music from The Amityville Horror. However, this demonstrates a general competence when it comes to basic storytelling and a surprising maturity considering the director's age. The plot is easy to follow, the characters are adequately established and this never really crosses the line into being laughably incompetent regardless of how cheap it is. It's merely an ordinary, unoriginal story done about as well as it could have been done given the nonexistent budget, the shooting medium and the inexperienced cast and crew. Though far from good, it's still ambitious and oddly impressive given the director's age. There's a tendency for young filmmakers stuck working with little money to fall back on self-mocking dumb laughs as some built-in apology for making you sit through their dumb / cheap film. Islas, on the other hand, takes his film completely seriously and is at least sincerely trying to make something decent.








This is quite possibly the very first feature-length horror film ever made in Uruguay. If it's not, it's the first (and one of the only) to show up on an IMDb title search. Islas' crop of early work (which were all screened on, and partially financed by, Channel 3 TV, Colonia del Sacramento) includes the short Possession (1986) and the features Feather Pillow (1989) and Crowley's Ashes (1990); a follow-up to this one. He continued to make films in his home country until a trip to Chicago in the mid 90s, where a movie of his was being screened at a film festival, found him falling in love with the city and relocating there permanently. Since then he's made a good number of low budget horror films, including Headcrusher (1999), Night Fangs (2005), To Kill a Killer (2007) and Frankenstein: Day of the Beast (2011).

1/2

Zai sheng ren (1981)

... aka: Life After Life
... aka: Regeneration People

Directed by:
Peter Yung

In the summer of 1955, a comet passes overhead (a bad omen according to local superstition) right as a puppeteer is beaten to death with a wooden hammer by an unknown assailant. Immediately after, the puppeteer's pregnant wife goes into labor and dies after giving birth to a baby with a strange and abnormally strong heartbeat. In the present day, photographer Raymond Lin (George Lam, billed as just “Lam”) is testing out a bunch of models for an important upcoming show and spots the perfect one in Di Di Hsu (Flora Cheung). Di Di is new on the scene and hasn't had time to build up much of a fan following as of yet, but Raymond manages to convince the show's wealthy sponsor, Mr. Si (Patrick Tse), that she's the perfect woman for the job. Because of Di Di's delicate facial proportions and the fact there's just something about her, Raymond comes up a puppet-themed fashion show concept that he hopes will get the garments approved for a worldwide fashion show. Though not fond of the idea at first, Mr. Si changes his tune upon finally meeting Di Di and quickly falls under the intelligent and charming girl's spell. Si then begins buttering up the young beauty; taking her out on his yacht, inviting her over for dinner and promising to make her the most popular fashion model in the entire world.









Raymond gets to work on an ambitious, computerized light show he calls “multivision;” which not only can control all of the lighting but also flicker thirty still images in an intricate slide show against a backdrop. Once that and Di Di's make-up tests are in order, all he needs now are some puppets; preferably some authentic, old, hand-carved ones. He and Di Di (who eventually become lovers even though she may also be sleeping with Mr. Si) then go down to a neighboring village and end up helping the “slow” / mentally-retarded Han (Tin Shang Lung, whose last name is amusingly spelled “Loon” in the credits) back home when he gets sick. Han lives with his elderly granny Mrs. Pa (“Man Har” / Mang-Ha Cheng) in an old temple that she's the caretaker of. She also happens to be in possession of a bunch of cobweb-covered puppets she refuses to keep inside her home because, again according to local superstition, puppets are evil. Because the puppets are in such bad shape, George hires Han to repaint and restore them to their former glory while he and the rest of the crew work on other things. Lots of really strange things happen soon after.








Lights flicker on and off, our photographer hero is knocked unconscious by an electric shock that makes him have a nightmare involving one of the puppets, constellations and the comet, and all of the puppets but one (the same one present in the nightmare) disappear. Several characters are then killed, including in a hit-and-run accident and getting burned to death when an effigy suddenly bursts into flames. Raymond, who was raised in the U.S. and studied both astronomy and mathematics in college before taking this latest gig in Hong Kong, gets to work trying to figure out just what's going on. Newspaper clippings detailing the 1955 murder give him a lot to go on, but the story also involves a strange birthmark, fractured flashbacks, some wacky math formulas, reincarnation, past lives, a blind fortune teller, an exorcist, visions of the past appearing in liquids and some perplexing astrological mumbo jumbo involving not only the comet but also birth signs / dates and a star cloud that resembles a human brain. Taking all of that into consideration, plus the fact that no less than three of the main characters (Raymond, Di Di and Han) were all born on the same exact day, the day of the 1955 murder, and thus may be the baby shown born in the opening scene, Ray has a hard time figuring out what's going on. And I'm sure he won't be the only one!








Though all of the metaphysical and astrological jabber gets to be a bit much and the story definitely has its frustrating and confusing passages, this bizarre entry in the HK New Wave cycle is also stylish, very well made and oddly engrossing. Strip away all of the cosmic talk, and this is basically a rather simple tale of the cyclical nature of fate and how fatalism and obsessing over things out of one's control can result in disastrous consequences. The sometimes surreal visuals are frequently excellent and really what carries the day here. Thanks to art director Arthur Wong, cinematographer Oliver Wong and others working on the production design and lighting, many of the shots in this one are very visually arresting. Lots of neon, shadows and strobe light flickering are all effectively used to enhance the other-worldly feel. The amazingly varied score from Chris Babida, which has everything from elegant classical compositions to synthesizer sci-fi, is also excellent. Deservedly, it won for Best Original Film Score at the Hong Kong Film Awards and the film itself score three other nominations.









The basis for this one was a story written by Lillian Lee (Farewell My Concubine). Never officially released here in America, this Cinema City production is available on DVD with English subtitles from Fortune Star. Several of the previous releases, including the VCD version from Deltamac, have a much brighter picture than the DVD.


Biri beni gözlüyor (1988)

... aka: I Was Watching
... aka: Someone's Watching Me
... aka: Turkish Shining

Directed by:
Ömer Ugur

The Turkish film industry, or Yeşilçam as it's called there, began way back in 1914 with the release of the silent documentary Ayastefanos'taki Rus Abidesinin Yıkılışı, which involved the demolition of a Russian monument at San Stefano. Film production would be very sporadic until things finally picked up in the 50s. By the time the 60s rolled around, Turkey was the fifth most prolific country in terms of film production; averaging 300 films per year in their heyday. There was a huge increase in cinemas during this time (over 2000 by 1966) and thus a larger-then-ever demand for domestic product. However, their impoverished film industry suffered from shoddy, primitive film equipment, untrained and (in many cases) untalented filmmakers and just not enough money to keep up with what other countries were doing, especially in the later era of big budget Hollywood blockbusters. By the 70s, TV took a huge chunk of the film-going audience away. Theaters closed, budgets shrank even further, the original film stars downgraded to the small screen and, in a desperate attempt to both compete and capitalize on the lack of copyright laws in the country, a series of plagiarized rip-offs emerged. These films not only stole complete plots, but also camera shots, music scores and pretty much anything else they wanted; including editing special effects scenes from the original films into the new films as a cost-saving measure.

Not surprisingly, most of these rip-offs didn't get released outside of the country for fear of a lawsuit, but many are now available to stunned contemporary moviegoers worldwide. Turkey had their own home grown versions of Tarzan, Zorro, James Bond, Superman, Dirty Harry, E.T., Star Wars, Star Trek, Spiderman, Rambo, Laurel and Hardy and even a similarly-dressed equivalent of Captain America. There were also a good number of horror films, starting with an unsanctioned Bram Stoker adaptation Dracula in Istanbul in 1953. Other later rip-offs included versions of such famous films as Psycho (1960), The Bad Seed (1963), Straw Dogs (1971), Deliverance (1972), The Last House on the Left (1972), The Exorcist (1973), Young Frankenstein (1974), Jaws (1975), I Spit on Your Grave (1978) and others. Sometimes the source material was fairly obscure as was the case with THIRSTY FOR LOVE, SEX AND MURDER (1972); a copy of the Italian giallo THE STRANGE VICE OF MRS. WARDH (1971), or BRUTAL STORM (1985), a copy of the Spanish chiller A Candle for the Devil aka  IT HAPPENED AT NIGHTMARE INN (1973). Biri beni gözlüyor (or “Someone Is Watching Me”), is another odd one. Heavily, a-hem, “inspired” by the 1980 Stephen King adaptation The Shining (1980), this was made in the late 80s during a time in Turkish film production where sometimes there were as few as a half dozen movies being made per year.







At a seaside hotel on a remote island, a seemingly-normal man snapped and strangled both his wife and son before hanging himself. The incident was enough to pretty much kill the tourism business in the area but this strip of land already had a bad reputation before then. Prior to the hotel even being built, the land was the tomb of a saintly fisherman that other fisherman passing through the area would stop and pay tribute to for good luck. The tomb was bulldozed down and ever since one bad thing after another has occurred, starting with the first attempt at building the hotel resulting in disaster when it fell down. Fish in the area mysterious turn up dead and there's even a rumor that the wind in those parts has the power to drive people mad. It's all rather appealing to Hulki Kalkinç (Tarik Tarcan), a crime / horror novelist desperately in need of inspiration as he hasn't written a thing in two years. Hulki decides to bring his model wife Leman (Silen Dilmen) and whiny young son Ufuk (Erhan Keçeci) to the island for an extended vacation so he can work on what he hopes is his next successful book.






Upon arriving, they're greeted by Mahmut (Ali Ates), a bearded, dirty, creepy and always-smiling sailor who usually looks after the place. While the family stays there, he plans on heading to the mainland for a few days but first clues them in to the history of the place and how all of the bad things seem to occur there on the 15th of the month. The wife is not only leery of him but also becomes increasingly more paranoid about... well... pretty much everything. She thinks someone is peeking in through her bedroom window. She thinks someone is watching her while she's on a swing. She thinks her husband and Mahmut actually knew each other before they came to the island and wonders why the caretaker put them up in Room 213, which is right next door to where the man killed his family. Hulki's increasingly odd behavior certainly doesn't help her state of mind any. He pretends to hang himself just like the previous killer had to see what it feels like. Then he attempts to seduce Leman only to start strangling her just to see her reaction. He then admits he wants to kill her and says it would be super cool to have sex right where the murders took place.

Even with the appropriately dreary surroundings, Hulki can't seen to get over his writer's block, so he decides to tell the sordid tale from the killer's perspective and wants to “feel him to the bone.” He soon becomes obsessed and unhinged and starts lurking around everywhere in a wide-eyed daze. He won't let anyone read what he's typing, ignores his wife and son's requests to leave, scares them with sudden crazy outbursts and slings blood all over the wife waving a piece of raw meat around. The boy finds a bloody axe outside and, since the caretaker gave them false contact information, they think he may have used it to chop up his family and could possibly still be on the island. When Leman tries to leave and take their son away, hubby throws the boat key away and destroys the radio equipment, stranding them there with his crazy ass. He knocks the son unconscious for trying to look at his papers and eventually goes after both of them with an axe.






I'm not one of those people who thinks of The Shining as this deep, flawless masterpiece. I've always viewed it as being a sporadically brilliant / powerful / scary movie with a lot of unnecessary elements needlessly stuffed in that muck the whole thing up. However, watching this cheap, awful, inept rip-off really makes me want to rethink my stance on Kubrick's film. This goes right down the line ripping off The Shining (at least the parts they could afford to copy); only this time the film is done by a director who appears to have no clue how to build suspense, generate scares or even entertain... and I'm not talking about Mick Garris!

There are no pre-hotel scenes here to introduce us to the characters. Since they couldn't afford a helicopter to shoot the family car drive scene, here they just sit the family in a boat where they have a very similar conversation. The grand tour the caretaker gives the mom of the massive hotel / kitchen in The Shining is reduced here to the caretaker showing the mom where the gas tanks to light the stove are. The surreal horror visuals that highlight Kubrick's film are all gone and instead we just get repetitive talky scenes of the wife and son (who doesn't have psychic abilities in this version) having to deal with the husband's odd behavior. Hulki mentions feeling like he's been at the hotel before and all of his writings turn out to be the same sentence typed out over and over again. Instead of a blizzard, there's a bad rainstorm. Instead of knocking Hulki out with a baseball bat, dragging his body to the kitchen and sticking the him in a walk-in freezer, Leman knocks him out with the axe, drags his body to the kitchen and sticks him in a refrigerated glass deli cabinet (!) that he easily breaks out of when the time comes. The caretaker comes back long enough to get axed, though he gets decapitated in this one. Apparently destroying a door didn't fit into their budget, so they don't include a “Here's Hulki!” scene here. Instead, there are a few changes made at the very end, though none to the betterment of the story.







While the leads are certainly nicer to look at than Nicholson and Duvall (the wife bears a striking resemblance to the gorgeous Jennifer Connelly) neither is very good where it really counts: giving a believable performance. However, to their defense, this was shot without sound and they were dubbed in later by others. The dialogue and editing are both awful and this is rather poorly lit and shot to boot. Scenes are frequently blurry and many of the night scenes, including much of the climax, are difficult to make out because it's so dark. This does however boast an excellent, creepy, elegant and sometimes beautiful music score. It was composed by some guy named Jerry Goldsmith but unfortunately had already been used to much better effect in Psycho II. Unlike many other Turkish turkeys, this isn't deliriously awful and unintentionally hilarious, it's simply poorly made and bland.

Food of the Gods, The (1976)

... aka: Die Insel der Ungeheuer (The Island of Monsters)
... aka: H.G. Wells' The Food of the Gods
... aka: La plaga asesina (The Killer Plague)

Directed by:
Bert I. Gordon

H.G. Wells' 1904 novel The Food of the Gods and How It Came to Earth was divided into three different books and followed a group of scientists who invent a substance called Herakleophorbia IV (or “Boomfood”) that accelerates growth in plants, young animals and human children; eventually turning insects and our four-legged friends into large killer beasts and the kids into 40-foot giants more than willing to use their size to their advantage once they reach their early adult years. This film adaptation uses material from just the first section of the novel, though it doesn't stick all that closely to it aside from some of the same characters, the farm setting and, of course, the giant animals. There aren't any over-sized plants in the one and also no giant kids but that's because Mr. B.I.G. had previously already filmed the kid part as Village of the Giants back in 1965. It too was loosely adapted from just a portion of the book and didn't follow it all that closely. Most disappointingly omitted from the book for this film version are gigantic chickens attacking a small town. I'd have loved to have seen them try to pull that off.



“My father used to say, 'Morgan, one of these days the Earth will get even with man for messing her up with his garbage. Just let man continue to pollute the Earth the way he is and nature will rebel. It's gonna be one hell of a rebellion.'” Professional football player Morgan (played by former “Miracle Child” kid preacher / faith healer Marjoe Gortner), who narrates, his teammate Davis (Chuck Courtney) and overworked PR man Brian (Jon Cypher) decide to get away for a few days go to a barely-populated Canadian island (accessible only by ferry) to ride horses and hunt. Davis chases after a deer and is found dead by his friends; his face hideously pink and swollen. Morgan goes to look for help, stumbles upon a farmhouse, enters the barn and is attacked by a giant rooster. After killing it with a pitchfork, he goes to the home and meets the paranoid, God fearin' country bumpkin Mrs. Skinner (Ida Lupino), who greets him with a shotgun. Morgan and Brian return to the mainland and get the medical report back on their dead friend, with the coroner estimating he'd been stung by 250 wasps. In fact, it was actually just one giant wasp that did all of that damage.








The following day, asshole industrialist / chemist Jack Bensington (Ralph Meeker) and his assistant, bacteriologist Dr. Lorna Scott (Pamela Franklin), show up at the Skinner farm to make Mr. Skinner (John McLiam) an offer on some milky white substance they found leaking out of the ground near their home. Before getting devoured by a slew of giant rats, the farmer had given the substance to his chickens and, while it had no effect on the adult birds, their offspring grew to giant size. Other animals, includes wasps, worms and rats also got into the substance and have grown and now lurk around the island. Morgan and Brian return to avenge their friend's death by blowing up the wasp nest, while Thomas (Tom Stovall) and his very pregnant girlfriend Rita (future Joe Dante staple Belinda Balaski) end up in the middle of things after their RV breaks down. Eventually, everyone holes up in the farmhouse, board up all of the doors and windows and try to survive a giant rat attack.








There was definite potential here for a fun B movie, but it's pretty much all botched due to poor writing, some truly awful dialogue, dull one-dimensional stock characters, too much emphasis put on the rats (personally I'd have much rather seen more of the chickens, worms OR wasps) and special effects that were hokey even back in 1976. Hell, I could have lived with the fx, a mixture of rear projection, optical trickery, superimposition, split screen and cute stuffed model rats, as is if nearly every other component wasn't bad, but that's not the case. Completely stripping away the science elements from the source material and giving the substance a more natural origin actually wasn't a bad idea but they don't do anything interesting with that concept either. There's also a distinct lack of humor and if any movie could have used a few laughs, intentional or otherwise, it's this one. The only amusing bit occurs at the very end. The picturesque British Columbia locales, which look better than ever on the Blu-ray now distributed by Scream Factory, are a plus / minor diversion.








Despite generous use of red paint blood during the attack sequences and one bit where a head appears to have been eaten off (a young Thomas Burman was in charge of the make-up effects) this got a PG rating. Gordon not only directed but also wrote the screenplay, produced and was in charge of the visual effects. His wife, Flora M. Gordon, was the assistant director and unit production manager and Rick Baker supposedly also worked on some of the fx sans credit.

The first and one of at least three comic book adaptations of the novel.



This was the last theatrical feature for the talented Franklin (it's no wonder she bowed out of show business soon after if this was the best she was being offered) and second-to-last film role for pioneering female filmmaker Lupino.


Food was both a Saturn nominee for Best Horror Film and a winner of the prestigious “Worst Rodent Movie of All Time” award in Harry and Michael Medved's book The Golden Turkey Awards. Samuel Z. Arkoff was the executive producer and presenter. Of the 25+ films released by his company A.I.P. in 1976, this actually made the most money. As a result, they not only backed Gordon's big bug follow-up Empire of the Ants (1977) the following year but also sunk 6 million into the Wells adaptation The Island of Dr. Moreau (1977). The belated sequel GNAW: FOOD OF THE GODS II (1989) is actually a lot more fun!

1/2

La lama nel corpo (1966)

... aka: Blade in the Body, The
... aka: Das Monster auf Schloß Moorley (The Monster at Castle Moorley)
... aka: Les nuits de l'épouvante (The Nights of Terror)
... aka: Murder Clinic, The
... aka: Night of Terrors
... aka: Revenge of the Living Dead

Directed by:
"Michael Hamilton" (Elio Scardamaglia)

Set in late 19th Century England, this is an underwhelming, average but fairly well shot (in Technicolor and Techniscope) Gothic horror / mystery yarn set in an off-the-beaten-path nuthouse. Compassionate nurse Mary Stuart (Barbara Wilson) arrives at the secluded Morley Sanitarium. She'll be starting work there in the morning and only has time to meet the humorless main nurse Sheena (Harriet“White” / Medin) and one of the patients, the mute Janey (“Ann Sherman” / Anna Maria Polani), before heading off to bed. Later that night, someone wearing a black hooded robe and armed with a straight razor surprises Janey in her bedroom, chases her outside and slashes her to death by a fountain. The next day Mary finds no sign of Janey and the cover on a book she left in the room has been slashed. Head honcho Dr. Robert Vance (William Berger) shows up to put her mind at ease. The girl's parents came and picked her up at the crack of dawn, he says. Clearly, Dr. Vance is somehow involved in the murder but as is often the case, may not actually be the killer. This clinic is filled to the rafters with potential murderers.








For starters, there are a handful of loony patients. Elderly, senile Mrs. Hurley goes into fits any time someone touches her “only friend:” A stuffed cat. Schizo Fred (“Max Dean” / Massimo Righi) is convinced everyone is trying to kill him and usually has to be doped up and locked in a room with no furniture or else he may find something to hurt someone with during one of his paranoid, violent outbursts. Dr. Vance's shut-in of a wife Lizabeth (Mary Young) is insecure, jealous, bitter and has a weak heart. There's a strange bald servant (William Gold) lurking the grounds as well as handyman Ivan (“Grant Laramy” / Germano Longo), who's having a secret affair with one of the nurses and happens to own a straight razor identical to the one used in the murder. Loud, echoing footsteps can be heard coming from the third floor but the staff forbid Mary to go up there because the doctor is hiding something up there. That something is Laura (Delphine Maurin); his melted madwoman of a sister-in-law, whose disfigurement he may have been responsible for.







Many years earlier, Dr. Vance was fresh out of medical school, happily married and on the verge of opening a new state-of-the-art clinic in the area. Everything went to hell after an accident at the construction site found Laura falling into a vat of lime and melting off all her flesh. Though the doctor has always proclaimed his innocence, a witness claimed he saw him push her off the scaffolding. Vance was acquitted at the trial due to lack of evidence but the damage was already done. His reputation ruined, he had no other option than to take on dangerous patients no one else wanted and now spends much of his free time experimenting with skin grafts on guinea pigs in hopes of one day being able to restore Laura's beauty.







Meanwhile, Marc (Philippe Hersent) is traveling through the forest late at night headed to the coast where he hopes to unload his adulterous, scheming wife Gisele (Françoise Prévost). After she unsuccessfully tries to seduce him their rickety carriage breaks down and she uses the opportunity to club him over the head. The horses go crazy, trample him to death and run off. Gisele then walks to a cave and spots Dr. Vance burying Janey's corpse. She goes outside and pretends to be unconscious until he's done and can discover her. Vance takes her back to his clinic where she snoops around, tries to seduce him and finally attempts to blackmail him for 50 thousand pounds. Gisele's presence seems to kick the cloaked killer into high gear and he / she grabs the razor again and starts slashing up staff and patient alike before the big reveal.








While watchable, this is still disappointingly routine and predictable. As far as the 60s Italian Gothic horror cycle is concerned, Murder Clinic also came very late in the game. By 1966, there were already dozens of near-identical movies with near-identical plots, near-identical settings and near-identical characters and this one brings nothing of note to the party. Many of the previous films also happened to star more charismatic actors and were made by more creative and stylish filmmakers, which immediately knocks this one off of the priorities list and into the rainy day pile. It was scripted by Ernesto Gastaldi and Luciano Martino; two men who had their hands in writing dozens of Gothics and gialli apiece. Scardamaglia is best known as a producer and production manager on films like The Demon (1963) and Mario Bava's masterpiece The Whip and the Body (1963) and this was his only film as director. The credits have been Anglicized, so the identities of some of the actors (like “Barbara Wilson” and “Mary Young”) remain unknown to this day.


The initial U.S. release in 1967 by Europix Consolidated under the title The Murder Clinic came and went without much attention. Six years later, it was more famously re-titled Revenge of the Living Dead and reissued by the same company as part of their notorious “Orgy of the Living Dead” triple feature. The other two titles shown in the “triple avalanche of grisly horror” were Curse of the Living Dead (1966; aka Bava's Kill Baby Kill) and Fangs of the Living Dead (1969; aka Malenka, the Vampire's Niece). The hilarious ads featured a man in a straight jacket who was supposedly driven crazy from attending a showing!



The only way to see an English-language version of this one for many, many years was trying to track down an extremely rare VHS distributed by VCI. It's so rare I cannot even find a box for it. Code Red briefly included a cut, less-than-stellar print (with the title screen The Murder Clinic) in a six film, 2 disc set called “Six Pack: Volume 2.” Seeing how that set has been pulled from their website and is no longer available for purchase one can assume they ran into copyright issues. No need to worry about any of that anymore, though. In 2015 the film finally got a Blu-ray / DVD release from the German company Media Target Distribution. That release (title screen Die Mörderklinik) is the full, uncut version restored and in widescreen with an English language option. Too bad the film itself is hardly worth the trouble.

★★

Empire of the Ants (1977)

… aka: Angriff der Nuklearmonster (Attack of the Nuclear Monster)
… aka: H.G. Wells' Empire of the Ants
… aka: In der Gewalt der Riesenameisen (Violence of the Giant Ants)
… aka: Killer-Termiten (Killer Termites)

Directed by:
Bert I. Gordon

After THE FOOD OF THE GODS (1976) became A.I.P.'s highest-grossing film of its year, executive producer Samuel Z. Arkoff handed Gordon over some more money and proclaimed “More of the same, please!” And that's pretty much what we get here. Though this claims to be based on the 1905 H.G. Wells short story of the same name, it has almost nothing at all to do with the story. First published in 1905 in The Strand Magazine and later included in the collection The Short Stories of H.G. Wells (published in 1927), the source story takes place somewhere in South America and centers around a captain and an engineer sent to an Amazonian village to investigate reports of an ant plague and running across a new species of (slightly) larger than normal, super-intelligent, highly-evolved killer black ants. For this movie version, Gordon (who also wrote the screen story, produced and did the visual effect) kept the ant theme (though increased both the size and intelligence of them) but that was about it. This is basically a whole new tale and Wells' good name really shouldn't even be attached.


Heading this one up is none other than a slumming Joan Collins, whose career was on life support by 1977 and wouldn't be revived until her lack of warmth and likability could be correctly harnessed on TV's Dynasty in 1981. Going on record as calling this the worst experience she ever had filming a movie, Joan and the rest of the cast and crew endured filming locations swarming with fleas and mosquitoes as well as a director who was unable to get stunt people on location, which forced many of the actors to do their own stunts in bacteria-laden swamp waters. Doing such scenes ended up giving Collins a terrible infection in her legs. In later interviews, Collins stated that “Bert asked us to do things that actors usually don't do. We were hip deep in swamp water!” and concluded that she “... was never so delighted and relieved as when the last day of shooting arrived and it was finally my turn to be asphyxiated by the giant queen ant.” Regardless of all that, Collins' presence in this one is a plus if for no other reason than her bringing a glamorous and bitchy camp element (“I'm not running a charity organization!”) to a film desperately in need of it.







Marilyn Fryser (Collins), the no-nonsense president of “Dreamland Shores,” puts together a boat trip for potential buyers in hopes of wining, dining and attempting to sell off property in a future luxury resort community on a currently non-populated stretch of oceanfront swampland. It boasts a future 18 hole gold course, a future tennis club, a future beach house, a future marina, a future pool and current “fascinating wildlife,” which turns out to be more fascinating than the visitors probably imagined. With help from her assistant / lover Charlie Pearson (Edward Power), she charters a boat from unfriendly Captain Dan Stokely (Robert Lansing) and awaits her potential buyers. Most who show up, including two miserly and incredibly self-pitying elderly couples (“All we wanted was to enjoy what's left of our lives. Is that bad?”), aren't so much interested in buying property as they are a free trip, sight-seeing tour, booze and hors d'oeuvres. Actually just about all of this particular group is a bunch of duds.






Among the tag-a-longs ares are scrunchy-faced Joe Morrison (John David Carson), who's divorced, unemployed and pretty much just there to drink, friendly Margaret Ellis (Jacqueline Scott), a secretary fired from her job of 20 years who's on a limited income and outgoing Coreen Bradford (Pamela Susan Shoop), who's attempting to start a new life for herself after having been the mistress of a married doctor for years. Feeling emasculated because his father-in-law is a better provider for them than he is, scumbag Larry Graham (Robert Pine) enjoys being an ass and hitting on other women right in front of his clueless, simpering doormat of a wife Christine's (Brooke Palance, daughter of Jack) face. Actually he also seems to have no issue attempting to rape a woman about 20 feet away from not only his wife but the rest of the tour group.






As you've probably already guessed, giant ants end up spoiling everyone's picnic. Earlier, a ship's crew dumped a bunch of barrels of radioactive toxic waste into the ocean. Some of the barrels washed ashore, leaked some silver goo and the local ant population gobbled it all up, grew to enormous size and became MENSA eligible in the process. After they pick off the slower (i.e. all the old people) and dumber (i.e. the moron wife) among the group, the six survivors find a boat and decide to row two miles down river to the nearest town. Their trip is interrupted only by a few ant ambushes which leave Larry (who previously stood around and watched his wife get eaten) dead. Everyone else makes it to shore and find there way back to civilization only to realize many of the townsfolk acting somewhat strange. They soon discover some wacky slave “indoctrination” going down at the local sugar refinery.







Empire is dumb as hell, cheesy as hell and talky as hell... and yet it's slightly more enjoyable than Gordon's previous effort. While Food went pretty much right down the line as far as nature-runs-amok  / animal attack movies go and came off as bland and not even good for laughs in the process, this one at least boasts a little creativity in the final third. Of course the last 25 minutes or so are completely absurd but there's still no way you'll see it coming. This is also campier and funnier, even if all of that is completely unintentional. A few moments, like Collins' stud-for-hire trying to cheer a traumatized adult woman up by giving her a Babe Ruth bar like she's some 5-year-old, even made me laugh out loud. The attack scenes all feature shaky camera to distract from the immobility of the creatures and many also feature ant POV shots. The mock giant ants (which really don't look that bad) are combined with Gordon's usual rear project / superimposition effects of real ants, which are mostly awful but slightly better than what we saw in Food since a few border on being at least passable. Most of the characters in this one are also a bit more defined (and in a few cases, likable) than the ones in Food. I'm still going to rate the two films the same because they're both bad but not terrible. This just happens to bleep the SBIG radar more often.

None of the above really changes the fact that watching, or even re-watching, Them! (1954) or PHASE IV (1974) to get your killer ant kicks is time better spent, but sometimes we gotta take what we can get, right?




The cast also includes Albert Salmi, who manages to flub more lines than the entire rest of the cast combined in his short screen time, Jack Kosslyn (in his sixth film for the director) and Emmy-nominated TV actress Irene Tedrow. The Dana Kaproff score sounds an awful lot like John Williams' famous Jaws theme. This has received numerous VHS and DVD releases over the years and made its Blu-ray debut in 2015 courtesy of Scream Factory. It's rated PG.

1/2

Stalls of Barchester, The (1971) (TV)

... aka: Ghost Story for Christmas: The Stalls of Barchester

Directed by:
Lawrence Gordon Clark

With this 45-minute offering began a series of “Ghost Story for Christmas” films that became a holiday tradition in the UK from 1971 until 1978. Each were shot on 16mm and in color, ran less than an hour (some were as short as 30 minutes) and played on BBC 1 either right before or right after Christmas. The first five of these productions, including this one, A WARNING TO THE CURIOUS (1972), LOST HEARTS (1973), The Treasure of Abbot Thomas (1974) and THE ASH TREE (1975) were adaptations of M.R. James ghost tales and were directed by Clark. The director followed those with THE SIGNALMAN (1976); an eerie adaptation of a Charles Dickens story, and then STIGMA (1977), an atypically bloody offering which was based on a new original script and not a classic short story. The initial series wrapped up with Derek Lister's THE ICE HOUSE (1978), which was the only one not directed by Clark and also based on an original script. In 2000, the Ghost Story for Christmas banner was revived for a four-part TV special starring Christopher Lee as James. BBC 4 would bring it back yet again in 2005, starting with Luke Watson's A View from a Hill. This one's an adaptation of the story The Stalls of Barchester Cathedral, which was contained in James' second collection of stories titled More Ghost Stories, published in 1911.

In 1932, Dr. Black (Clive Swift) is brought in to catalogue the dusty library at Barchester Cathedral. The books and papers there disappoint him... that is until the librarian (Will Leighton) digs up a locked box whose contents the now-deceased former college dean refused to look at. Naturally, this strikes Dr. Black's curiosity and he insists on checking out what's inside the box inscribed “Papers of the venerable Archdeacon Haynes. Bequeathed in 1894 by his sister Leticia Haynes.” Black (who narrates the story) cracks open the box, finds a series of letters and a black book and begins reading from the latter. We're then whisked away to 1872 where the bulk of our story takes place.







With ambitions of quickly moving up the ladder and taking control, Haynes (Robert Hardy) arrives in Barchester, takes up resident with his gossipy busybody spinster sister Letitia (Thelma Barlow) and begins work as a junior deacon under 84-year-old Archdeacon Pulteney (Harold Bennett). Haynes secretly wishes the old man would kick the bucket already but next thing he knows Pulteney is still 90 and going strong. Two years later, the old deacon takes a fatal plunge down a set of slippery oak stairs. A stair rod put in for protection was suspiciously missing from the scene of the “accident” and many blamed a maid for being careless. The actual culprit was Haynes himself, who was sick of waiting for his promotion. Haynes indeed gets the title of Archbishop but it's not without a price. Not only does the maid attempt to extort money out of him but, after his sister leaves town to go stay with a cousin, he's left all alone in their large home and starts feeling like someone or something is still around. He hears voices, whispering and laughter, the sounds of bells and footsteps and senses the presence of a cat even though they don't have one. Then bizarre things happen in church, particularly at his hand-carved wooden stall...







As Dr. Black and the librarian delve further into the journal, they begin to suspect that loneliness and fatigue from long hours of work are driving the man mad, but it may also be something more sinister. After all, the wood used to build Haynes' stall came from something called “The Hanging Oak;” which had been used hundreds of year earlier to execute witches. Human bones were even found between its roots when it was cut down. Despite being a man of the cloth, Haynes ironically refuses to believe in any “superstitious foolery” and is convinced it's some psychological malady and he must stay firm. In fact, “I must stay firm” is the last thing written in his journal before his untimely and mysterious passing. He was found with his neck broken and a deep gash on his face. Did he go mad? Was he killed by a vengeance-seeking ghost? Or was this all a completely coincidental yet karmic visit from the demonic cat and hooded figure depicted on his stall?







This lays down the groundwork for the tone and feel of most of the later entries in this series. It's not as unnerving, interesting and creepy as some of the better later entries (most notably Warning and Signalman), but it's still well-acted, well-made, classy, subtle, atmospheric and ambiguous. Worth watching.

★★1/2
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